The Miniature MUSCLE Men Toys

(By Chris, Editor in Chief of and the adult writer of the Gab Four. Originally published Aug. 27, 2007, sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Not that I would ever fantasize about Greedo in a Speedo, but that's what I imagine when I think of alien wrestlers.

In terms of overall importance, intergalactic wrestlers fighting for supremacy of the universe kind of dwarfs the importance of the Super Bowl, World Series, Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, etc.

Adventures with George - No. 110

(By David Forbes Brown)

(Read like the guy at the beginning of "Lost") "PREVIOUSLY, ON ADVENTURES WITH GEORGE":

This story is non-fiction. The following happened: George Herman "Babe" Ruth woke up in the year 2016 to find himself in a military plane, being debriefed for a highly secret mission by General David Petraeus. Time-travel wormholes were discovered in caves on the 4,600 islands off the coast of Maine. The wormholes were stable gateways to NYC in the year 1927. According to Petraeus, a "time-criminal" went through and killed Babe Ruth. Petraeus and his secret rogue unit sent an agent to an earlier date in 1927, drugged the Babe and brought him to 2016, purporting that they had saved his life. But did they? They prepared him to go back through time, but right before he stepped into the wormhole, he suddenly disappeared--erased from existence. Petraeus' men found that the wormholes were being created, and the number of them was growing. They decided to follow the Babe into the most recent one, which trapped them in the past, on a Maine island with Native American warriors. George befriended the Natives and concluded that Petraeus was an evil man. Petraeus and his men disappeared--their timelines changed--as an odd Red Sox fan named David Brown arrived, who helped George and the tribal warriors take down yet another version of Petraeus. Brown said that it was time for George to go back to 1927 and restore the timeline, but he refused, forcing Brown to send them back in time to save the Native Americans who were killed by Petraeus and his flunkies. Their mission was a success, but they got trapped in the 1970s. Luckily, they made it back to 2016, and from there, successfully brought the Babe home. But, Petraeus somehow fractured the timeline and keeps appearing and disappearing--a constant threat to their lives. To escape him, they had to blindly go into the past--with Mrs. Pembrookleton in tow--and again appeared in the Bar Harbor 1970's golf course at the same time as their previous selves! They escaped themselves, making their way to the other side of the island. But then, they had to kill a teenage version of Petraeus. Soon, Lucille Ball and Carl Sagan joined the team. They were able to return Lucy to her time. Petraeus somehow erased Babe Ruth, Brown, Partsman and Sagan from existence by killing their mothers. They are hiding in the 2016 time-cave facility, devoid of pasts and futures . . .

Sports Briefs: Lie from New England, it's Tom Brady!

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: "I admit it, I cheated. I deflated the footballs. I've been throwing under-inflated footballs for years. It's just what I prefer. When I played football as youth, my friends would bring over air pumps, hoping to inflate the ball when I wasn't looking. I don't even blame the Patriots' equipment managers. It’s really all me. I have a little known skin condition, a result of my family breeding with a porcupine many generations ago, which causes my skin to sometimes become quill-like, capable of actually puncturing the ball. So my suspension is justified. I'll accept it like a rodent . . . I mean a man . . . " Not only would an admission of guilt like this from Tom Brady be widely applauded, it would cause geneticists to immediately take interest in the NFL.

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