Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Sports Junkie: Where Did the Dallas Cowboys Go?

(By Larry Merryfield)

Where, oh where did the Dallas Cowboys go? On Aug. 20, 2014, it was written in "Forbes" magazine that the Dallas Cowboys were valued at $3.2 billion. Only second to soccer’s Real Madrid's $3.4 billion. If the L.A. Clippers were bought for $2 billion earlier this year, now you know why the Dallas Cowboys will never be sold. Nobody can afford them.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Adventures with George - No. 81

(By David Forbes Brown)
(Read like the guy at the beginning of "Lost") "PREVIOUSLY, ON ADVENTURES WITH GEORGE":

This story is non-fiction. The following happened:  George Herman "Babe" Ruth woke up in the year 2016 to find himself in a military plane, being debriefed for a highly secret mission by General David Petraeus. Time-travel wormholes were discovered in caves on the 4,600 islands off the coast of Maine. The wormholes were stable gateways to NYC in the year 1927. According to Petraeus, a "time-criminal" went through and killed Babe Ruth. Petraeus and his secret rogue unit sent an agent to an earlier date in 1927, drugged the Babe and brought him to 2016, purporting that they had saved his life. But did they? They prepared him to go back through time, but right before he stepped into the wormhole, he suddenly disappeared--erased from existence. Petraeus' men found that the wormholes were being created, and the number of them was growing. They decided to follow the Babe into the most recent one, which trapped them in the past, on a Maine island with Native American warriors. George befriended the Natives and concluded that Petraeus was an evil man. Petraeus and his men disappeared--their timelines changed--as an odd Red Sox fan named David Brown arrived, who helped George and the tribal warriors take down yet another version of Petraeus. Brown said that it was time for George to go back to 1927 and restore the timeline, but he refused, forcing Brown to send them back in time to save the Native Americans who were killed by Petraeus and his flunkies. Their mission was a success, but they got trapped in the 1970s. Luckily, they made it back to 2016, and from there, successfully brought the Babe home. But, Petraeus somehow fractured the timeline and keeps appearing and disappearing--a constant threat to their lives. To escape him, they had to blindly go into the past--with Mrs. Pembrookleton in tow--and again appeared in the Bar Harbor 1970's golf course at the same time as their previous selves! They escaped themselves, making their way to the other side of the island. But then they had to kill a teenage version of Petraeus. And now, hordes of sickly Petraeus clones are following them through time, and they've jumped to 1983.

On the Screws: The Wild West

(By Ryan Morrow)

This holiday weekend many were gathered around the television watching college football. Was I? Okay, yes I was; but guys such as Mike Trout were hitting home runs. The Angels completed a four-game sweep of the A's, with the help of No. 31 by Trout.

The Angels have opened a decisive lead in the American League West. The A's have to be saying, "Why don't they just dip our balls in honey and staple us to an ant farm." A little too much . . . sorry, but with the season winding down, the A's may have missed their opportunity at winning the division.

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