Sports Briefs: Leaving NBA Camps

(By the Gab Four. Originally published Dec. 30, 2011)

Joe: The Boston Celtics still need to work on keeping their prescription for Valium current for the "ragin'" Rajon.

Chris: The New Jersey Nets still need to work on determining whether Mikhail Prokhorov is a friend or foe to Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Brad: The New York Knicks still need to work on being as good a team as their dancers are.

Ralphie: The Philadelphia 76ers need to work on learning the names of all of their owners. There are almost more owners than players.

Joe: The Toronto Raptors still need to work on maintaining the "spanning the world" approach to their lineup, as they only have three of the world's seven continents represented.

Chris: The Chicago Bulls still need to work on designing an offense that does not revolve around four individuals serving as monoliths while watching Derrick Rose.

Brad: The Cleveland Cavaliers still need to work on replacing Manny Harris and Kenny Hayes.

Ralphie: The Detroit Pistons need to work on everything. They’re just sad.

Joe: The Indiana Pacers still need to work on renaming their arena from Conseco Fieldhouse (company with naming rights went bankrupt and renamed itself) to, perhaps, "Hoosier House."

Chris: The Milwaukee Bucks still need to work on erecting a statue of Sidney Moncrief outside their stadium.

Brad: The Atlanta Hawks still need to work on getting Harry the Hawk his Sleigh Driver's License.

Ralphie: The Charlotte Bobcats need to work on finding some players with some more experience.

Joe: The Miami Heat still need to work on having their script writers come up with some new material for another TV special, as there has been way-to-many other NBA stories this off-season to barely remember who are the three wise men.

Chris: The Orlando Magic still need to work on ascertaining why their city seems to be an ideal vacation destination that no one wants to live in.

Brad: The Washington Wizards still need to work on coming back from their preseason loss to the 76ers.

Ralphie: The Denver Nuggets need to work on being a real team and not just a group of players.

Joe: The Minnesota T-Wolves still need to work on keeping their napkins in place when salivating over Ricky Rubio.

Chris: The Oklahoma City Thunder still need to work on creating a new logo and uniforms that don’t look like they were pilfered from one of the faux teams on the NBA 2K video game.

Brad: The Portland Trail Blazers still need to work on the rest of Jamal Crawford's demands, his private jet, private island, etc.

Ralphie: The Utah Jazz need a new name. Jazz and Utah don’t really go together very well.

Joe: The Golden State Warriors still need to work on keeping guard Monta Ellis from trying to "mount" the female staffers--oh that's right, he's already being sued for sexual harassment by texting.

Chris: The Los Angeles Clippers still need to work on convincing Blake Griffin and Chris Paul that their stockpile of vitamins, health foods, rabbit feet, horseshoes, nutritionists, doctors and priests are there only as precautions and not because the franchise has been cursed since Buffalo.

Brad: The Los Angeles Lakers still need to work on getting Kobe's x-rays to excuse his playing.

Ralphie: The Phoenix Suns need to work on their defense.

Joe: The Sacramento Kings still need to work on moving to Anaheim, because the LA area needs more basketball teams.

Chris: The Dallas Mavericks still need to work on publishing their promotional giveaway calendar, including a date to hand out replica championship rings to fans and people like me.

Brad: The Houston Rockets still need to work on their “Dancing With The Stars” audition tapes.

Ralphie: The Memphis Grizzlies need to work on making sure they play Rudy Gay the right way.

Joe: The New Orleans Hornets still need to work on their recruiting staff referring to a 10 point/six rebound per game player as a "star"-announcement of the signing of this Mexican league player to be made Friday.

Chris: The San Antonio Spurs still need to work on obtaining David Stern’s approval to allow their players to use walkers and/or wheelchairs when necessary to get up and down the court.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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