Sports Briefs: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas

(The Gab Four settle down for a reading of the traditional Christmas poem, presented with Mad Libs. Originally published Dec. 16, 2011)

Joe: 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the cooler room, not a creature was stirring, not even Jimmy Johnson.

Chris: The underwear was hung in the bathroom with care, in hopes that the equipment manager soon would be there.

Brad: Clint Barnes and Mike McCoy were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of olives danced in their heads.

Ralphie: And Aubie the Tiger in his 'kerchief, and I in my baseball jersey, had just settled down from shopping at Belk.

Joe: When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed. And if I saw teenagers vandalizing my property, I'd let the neighbor's German shepherd out.

Chris: Away to the window I flew like someone had poked my backside, tore open the shutters and threw up a microwaved burrito.

Brad: The moon on the breast of the new-fallen Grant Hill gave the lustre of mid-day to the spilled pickles below.

Ralphie: When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature yellow Camaro and eight tiny kangaroos.

Joe: With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be Eddie Gaedel.

Chris: More rapid than injured sloths his coursers they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and got escorted out by security.

Brad: Now, Excited! Now, Crazy! Now, Loud and Brown! On, Kobe! On Bryant! On, Pickles and Olives!

Ralphie: To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now jump away! Skip away! Throw away all! As Butterfingers that before Philip Lutzenkirchen fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the house-top the kangaroos they flew, with the Camaro full of pencils and Butterfingers too.

Joe: And then, in a twinkling, I heard golf carts on the roof. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney Eddie Gaedel came with a bound. He was dressed all in Rampage the Ram’s fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with Miracle Whip and cheese Danish.

Chris: A bundle of grapefruits he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a grapefruit!

Brad: His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as an ant; the stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a stretching machine.

Ralphie: He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of Cool Ranch Doritos. He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

Joe: A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know the “alternative theory” would make a great movie.

Chris: He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the underwear, then turned with a jerk. And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

Brad: He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave them clothes, and away they all flew like a bat.

Ralphie: But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and come on, man! That was a lousy call."

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...