Sports Briefs: Wicked Tuna

Chris: After retiring from coaching the New York Giants in 1991 due to health problems, only to subsequently coach the Patriots, coach the Jets, retire and vow he would not coach again, coach the Cowboys, retire and run the Dolphins over the preceding 20 years, I’d venture to assume that said coach either draws merriment from referring to his players as pronouns or has an explosive case of restlessness. Therefore, it should not take much convincing for the coach to accept the New Orleans Saints temporarily-vacated position.

Joe: Tuna to the Saints for a year? Interesting, but if I was a Saints fan I'd rather have an in-house assistant for continuity purposes.

Ralphie: The Tuna is a pretty good replacement for Payton. He should do a good job.

Brad: I think the rumor of “the Big T” getting the coaching job may just be a distraction to get attention away from scandal.

Chris: Terry Glenn and Terrell Owens are still recovering from their coach derogatorily referring to them as “she” and “the player,” respectively. Glenn still goes into a sweating denial every time he hears “that’s what she said.”

Ralphie: If he really wants to coach, I think he should do it. The Hall of Fame will wait.

Brad: How many times is this fish going to come out of retirement? But I guess if he waited this long to be inducted, what's another five years?

Joe: I'd want to be in HOF when it’s my time and while I'm alive to enjoy it. Coach earned the induction.

Chris: If he has Joe Paterno’s longevity ability, the Tuna still has 15 years of coaching potential and approximately 2.5 retirements left. At this point I think his family and close friends don’t put much thought into purchasing greeting cards wishing a happy retirement.

Joe: Hey Coach, don't unretire. Play golf.

Brad: Playing with the grandkids? Watching the games? Golf? Oh wait, he already does that.

Ralphie: He could always be an announcer or maybe work with teams to help them get better.

Chris: The Tuna won two Super Bowls with the Giants, took the Patriots to one and took the Jets to the AFC Championship. Dallas won zero playoff games in his four years in charge, leading me to believe that Cowboys players may have had a complex of being coached by someone named after Chicken of the Sea.

Ralphie: I would rather work with some of the guys who have been around and know the way the team does things. Keeping Payton’s coaches around will help The Tuna as he tries to learn about the Saints.

Joe: No matter how friendly P and P are, the team is not his best friend and it would be disruptive and non-productive.

Brad: I think the Big T would probably coach the team in the style that it's used to but not anything spectacular.

Ralphie: I think he will do a good job, but I don’t think the Saints will win as many as they would have with Payton.

Brad: I would want to bring in someone new. Someone who would bring some new direction to the team.

Chris: Finding a coach who referred to each player by their given name and properly instructed the quarterback how to hold on to the ball during field goal attempts would be my top two job requirements discussed during an interview.

Joe: Saint's fan or owner--do not destroy the continuity that comes with the existing coaching staff. By the way, do you really think the Saint's assistants don't have phones?


Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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