Sports Briefs: Going Green with the Portland Timbers

Chris: Peculiar, salty and supernaturally obtuse would be ideal ways to describe the Portland Timbers’ eco-friendly initiative. Rather than planting trees, the team celebrates Earth Day and every day by felling trees. I just said “felling.”

Ralphie: It's not easy being green. At least, that's what Kermit the Frog says, so I don't know. I guess they could have lots of recycling bins available for fans to use.

Joe: Five top ways how MLS teams could be more green: 5--Serve green beer at all games; 4--Play with green balls; 3--Give away "dead presidents" to lucky ticket winners; 2--Outfit cheerleaders in green paint; and the No. 1 way--Serve FREE green beer at all games.

Chris: After watching the 1937 Disney cartoon “The Old Mill,” I find it difficult to believe that all MLS games during Earth Day weekend will be powered using only renewable wind energy. This leads me to believe that there will be coordinated stadium giveaways involving handheld paper fans.

Brad: Can you imagine how much more interesting those captured on video shows would be if when the rowdy soccer crowds collapse the seats, a giant wind propeller falls on top of them?

Chris: The Timbers are one of two MLS teams who shop for clothing accessories to compliment the color green. And I do admire their recycled jerseys, which are all produced locally by gnomes living at Jeld-Wen Field. It is refreshing to know that my plastic juice bottle may one day be remade into officially-licensed merchandise, assuming it does not smell like compost.

Joe: The recycled jersey makes good sense, but can you eat it at the end of the game?

Brad: Yes, they can.

Ralphie: I think it's kind of cool that recycled materials can turn into jerseys. I think it would be cool to know what kind of stuff they recycled to make the jerseys.

Brad: Oh sure, you see 100 percent recycled material, but what they forget to mention is that this is their third uniform. Third! What good does it do to make a uniform out of recycled material if you are just going to waste the first two uniforms? And let's just say they are going to use the material from the first two to make this third “recycled” uniform, what will they wear in the mean time? It's not likely that an entire arena of fans is going to be as gullible as the Emperor was with his new suit.

Ralphie: I'm kind of tired of people talking about going green all the time. I guess it's fine for them to do all that stuff, but I don't know that it will make that much of a difference.

Joe: Recycling is good for the evolvement of our world. It’s an attention getter, and if the Timbers play exciting soccer, then the world will be a better place.

Chris: Should anyone on “Ax Men” need a stunt double, Portland’s mascot is capable filling in. After learning to ply his trade from a chainsaw expert in Texas known as Leatherface, Timber Joey has taken to destroying lumber every time the Timbers score a goal. Again, this may seem to contradict being green, but Portland sends the log slabs home with the goal scorers in reusable shopping bags.

Ralphie: I don't really follow soccer, but from what I can tell, I expect the Timbers to have a pretty good season. They seem like they're doing a lot of good things in their community, so even if they don't win a lot of games, they'll still being doing good things for other people.

Brad: With all that wind, who knows where they would end up! I think they will definitely blow away the competition.

Chris: Due to Timber Joey’s habit, Oregon requires its forest landowners to replant 30 to 40 million trees each year, according to the pop-up ad I clicked on. However, unless the Timbers start scoring more goals, that number should be significantly reduced.

Joe: The Timbers will rise or fall on Zizzo.

Ralphie: I think they should develop young American players. We live in America, and it doesn't make sense to bring in people from other countries when we have talented people right here in our own country.

Joe: Recycle and develop. The old can teach the new. The new can invigorate the old. Together they will become the Jets of the MLS.

Brad: I think it's a great idea. If they did both, “recycled” older foreign players and developed young American players, wouldn't they be considered a crop of new crossbred players? Isn't that how they grow giant tomatoes?

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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