Sports Briefs: The Avengers Casting

Chris: Assuming the varied collection of athletes that gather for events such as the Olympics, ESPY Awards and paternity tests never decide to spontaneously produce a one-act play, sports fans will never be pleasured by the likes of seeing their favorite athlete's thespian abilities. 

Brad: I think some athletes can make the jump to acting, but for the most part, I prefer to see them stick to sports. I have enjoyed the Rock in various roles like “Fast Five” and “The Game Plan,” his more comedic roles.

Ralphie: Some athletes do an OK job acting, but I really think they should stick to sports. I like to watch them sometimes, though.

Joe: Professional athletes who turn to acting are naturals. C'mon, what else do they do on the field--soccer comes to mind, for those of you that think wrestling is a sport, enough said, how 'bout those tennis grunts and outbursts and let's not forget the inside pitch that hits nothing but finds the batter laying on the ground writhing in pain. Actors yes, thesbians all.

Chris: Any movie involving athletes would need to have an assortment of choices, akin to Baskin Robbins. Besides having a name that will eventually be pilfered as a stage moniker for a rapper, Cecil B. DeMille would have enjoyed unbridled ecstasy if he were to cast the motion picture “The Avengers” selecting only from the sports world.

Joe: The only similarity between being an Avenger (movie kind) and being on a sports team is found in the world of hockey. The Avengers fight for the good of mankind. Hockey players fight for the good of achieving high-paid goon status--'cause they can't score, defend and only skate reasonably well.

Ralphie: Sports teams and the Avengers both support each other.

Brad: For starters, the Avengers have their costumes, and sports teams have their uniforms. The Avengers each have their body armor, just like sports players have their protective equipment. Each Avenger has a weapon or tool, and each sports team uses strategies, which are basically their tools used to win games. Sports teams have fields and arenas where they play, and the Avengers have their battlefields where they fight their conflicts. Finally, sports teams kind of “protect” their players, ball, etc., while the Avengers protect the Earth and civilizations.

Ralphie: I would cast Albert Pujols as the Hulk because he is the strongest player in the majors.

Chris: Brazilian soccer player Hulk is probably wondering what he has to do to win the role, short of coloring himself with a permanent green marker or pilfering Lou Ferrigno’s pants.

Brad: Ted “Captain Outrageous” Turner has not only been cast as Nick Fury, head of S.H.I.E.L.D., he also bought the rights to the name, the series, the franchise and any future anything associated with anything.

Joe: Iron Man, the Avengers’ super rich, egotistical, highly intelligent and off-handedly humorous protagonist, might seem to be epitomized in sport by the Babe. Wrong--his alter ego is really Kobe.

Chris: Playing the part of Phil Coulson seems to have been one gentleman’s purpose in life. If an enterprising muckraker discovers that Gary Bettman had plastic surgery that enabled him to look exactly like Phil Coulson, I would believe it. And to make the deal mutually beneficial, Phil Coulson could replace Bettman as ice hockey commissar.

Ralphie: Chipper Jones could be Maria Hill because he can jump and catch the ball really well, and she's kind of like a karate person.

Brad: Ben Roethlisberger tried out for Loki, but he was too arrogant and self-centered for the role, even as evil as Loki is. Ben at one point decided he was just going to eliminate the character of Loki and play himself in the movie. He also designated himself as the lead Avenger.

Chris: Many gingers were considered for the part of the Black Widow. In fact, Alexi Lalas had to separate Matt Bonner and Brian Scalabrine, who got into a fistfight. However, due to the fact that the Black Widow has no discernable superpowers and seems content standing next to and conversing with others, the choice is obvious. Congratulations to ESPN’s Rachel Nichols.

Ralphie: Hawkeye would be Josh Hamilton because he can make the ball fly very, very far.

Brad: Troy Polamalu gets his hair done by Thor's stylist. One day they were getting their hair done at the same time and got to chatting. Eventually, they agreed that Troy should play Thor's stunt double. Once filming started, however, Troy's hair mesmerized everyone so much that he was cast as Thor. And he doesn't even need a stunt double.

Joe: Captain America, boyish, superhero who would lift his son in the air in triumph (if he had a son) is most resembled by Mark McQwire--just look at their arms. Juiced to the max, they both are hulks that don't turn green.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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