Sports Briefs: Michael Jordan's Intervention

Chris: After ending the season with seven more victories than the 2008 Detroit Lions and one more victory than Manny Pacquiao has had in the past three years combined, Michael Jordan's Charlotte Bobcats could be confused for a virtual juggernaut, had they not just finished with the worst winning percentage in NBA history.

Joe: The "greatest basketball player" title for Michael Jordan doesn't necessarily mean that he possesses the mental skill set to be an owner--other than his cash (a true owner prerequisite).

Ralphie: I think it's kind of sad that someone who was so great at a sport is going to end his career by embarrassing himself in that same sport.

Brad: Personally, I think Michael Jordan was an amazing player, maybe not the best baseball player, but definitely a basketball legend. It's time for him to say goodbye to sports, though. He retired from playing, and now with the Bobcats being such a horrible team, maybe he just needs to step away from the court and be a fan. Or a broadcaster like everyone else.

Joe: Michael Jordan could be a great coach/owner if he is a great communicator, but a hands-on owner also has to learn when to keep his hands off.

Chris: During his playing days, Jordan used to make up things his opponents said in order to properly motivate himself to play and/or begin foaming at the mouth. I’m not certain if Jordan took real hurts from his life and attributed them to his opponents or if he merely envisioned receiving Clark Griswold-style epithets, such as John Starks or Voshon Lenard calling him “grit liver lips.” Seeing as how Jordan would lacerate off the tongue of any Bobcat employee who disagreed with him, Kevin Bacon may have been the last person Jordan openly feuded with.

Ralphie: Someone needs to make him understand that he's not good at being an owner. Maybe another owner could work with him to help him get better.

Joe: Michael Jordan doesn't need an intervention; those are for people who are trying to hurt themselves or others.

Brad: I think he needs more than an intervention. He needs to go to sports rehab asap before he sinks more money into some team that will go nowhere. Oh wait, I think that already happened.

Chris: As long as it’s for Jordan’s own good, I feel confident in revealing that Jordan is so bad an owner, Donald Sterling once offered his assistance.

Brad: Jordan is so bad an owner that he has to provide the brown bags for the fans to cover their faces with.

Ralphie: I think Jordan should just enjoy the money he's already got and stop embarrassing himself as an owner.

Joe: I think Jordan should outfit the team in his "no-neckline-droop" undershirts and perform at charity events for kids under the name The Jordan Globetrotters (but then, the guys from Harlem never lost).

Chris: Jordan is so bad an owner, Pete Myers has all been asking David Stern about taking over the Bobcats.

Brad: I think Jordan should try owning a NASCAR team next. I'm sure they could always use a few more bad drivers for wrecks for excitement.

Ralphie: I'm glad Jordan was a much better player than he is an owner.

Joe: OK, better idea--have the team wear the Michael Jordan undershirts and briefs and just dance at the halftime of other NBA games around the league.

Chris: Jordan is so bad an owner, if there was a Dream Team of owners, they would include Isiah Thomas and exclude Jordan.

Brad: Jordan plays so much golf that he didn't notice his team was losing so bad. Of course, he doesn't realize that he owns a basketball team and not a golf team.

Ralphie: I think it's sad that most kids my age probably would think of Jordan as a failure when he's really one of the best basketball players of all time.

Joe: In Michael Jordan's case, any intervention would mean teaching him not to gamble.

Chris: Jordan is so bad an owner, drafting Adam Morrison third overall in 2006 is now not looked upon as that bad of a decision, seeing as how Morrison could have started for this year’s Bobcats.

Brad: I think Jordan needs to pay more attention to his team and what his team needs instead of paying friends to tell him everything is super.

Ralphie: I think Jordan should be looking for another job.

Joe: Michael Jordan should get in a high stakes poker game with other owners where your ownership card is the ante, and when he loses, a real owner would take over the team--but I forgot Jordan doesn't pay his losses, so he still winds up the owner.

Chris: Jordan is so bad an owner, Nike is considering rebranding their sneakers from Air Jordans to Err Jordans.

Brad: I think that no one wants to be like Mike anymore.

Ralphie: I think Jordan is still one of the greatest basketball heroes of all time, and that's how I want to remember him.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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