Sports Briefs: Raising a Unibrow


(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: According to statistical analysis of college scholars, approximately 35 percent of freshmen drop out. And financial pressure is the main reason for this, followed by academic disqualification, social issues and poor cafeteria food selections. While many dropouts go on to have successful careers, others are forced into manual labor positions. Anthony Davis fits the stereotype of dropping out for financial reasons and being destined for a career in manual labor. And with such extensively long arms, he may have to carry all of his teammates' bags for the next year.

Ralphie: He did a good job in his one year at Kentucky, but I think he should have played in college a little longer. I don't think he's going to be a long-term superstar.

Joe: Ostensibly, Anthony Davis doesn't have any weaknesses except his age and maturity. His basketball skills are unquestioned and will only get better in time.

Chris: I look for Davis to have a career similar to Chris Webber's, in that they both dropped out of college as freshmen. But until someone introduces Davis to the "three shakes for breakfast, seven for lunch and a 72-oz. top sirloin steak for dinner" diet, his career should resemble Tyson Chandler's.

Joe: That being said, the Hornets might improve, but they won't contend until they fill in the other parts of the puzzle and create a rhythm.

Ralphie: I think they'll have a good season this year. I'm looking forward to seeing how well Davis does for them.

Chris: Seeing as how every other time David Stern has utilized his skills as a travel agent, helping determine where players go, the teams always at least make it to an NBA Finals. Since there isn’t a Works Cited page, I will go ahead and reference the cases of Ewing, Patrick (1985), Duncan, Tim (1997) and James, LeBron (2003). So I expect New Orleans to be no worse than a second place team at some point in Davis’ career.

Joe: If David Stern rigged the draft, he'd better hope he is the only one that knows about it. But, I believe in coincidence, so I don't think the first selection going to the Hornets was anything but a coincidence.

Ralphie: It looks fishy to me. I want to think that everybody is honest, but I know that people sometimes do the wrong thing. I think somebody did something to make sure the Hornets got first pick.

Chris: If Inspector Clouseau were writing this column, he would say, “The facts in this case are the league owned the Hornets and were finding it difficult to sell them. Fact! The Hornets were a difficult sell due to no marketable star players. Fact! The lottery was held behind closed doors. Fact! Anthony Davis is the best player in the draft and has a, what you call it, marketable patch of connected hair just above his eyes. Fact!”

Joe: The marketing campaign for the unibrow is already in full swing, complete with trademarks, slogans, t-shirts and who knows what else. My thought--who cares!

Chris: Many famous people have unibrows, including Yosemite Sam and “Sesame Street’s” Bert. For whatever reason, this particular follicle fashion has not translated to the NBA. But I'm thinking that Davis is keen to withhold trimming his eyebrow thatch, particularly after trademarking every phrase involving the words "brow," "eyebrow" or "unibrow." In fact, I may be violating Davis as I type.

Ralphie: Shave it! Nobody should have a unibrow! They just look dumb.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.


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