Sports Briefs: The Perfect 2012 Olympics

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Chris: For a worldwide event that originated in 776 BC, one would think that four years time would be sufficient for coming up with a decent mascot to represent the Olympics. It's hard to go wrong with having a pair of cyclops as official representatives, but I'm somewhat disappointed with Wenlock and Mandeville. They are not part of the ingredient list when preparing the recipe for the perfect Olympics.

Brad: The Olympics are special to me because it shows the importance of sportsmanship and the importance of putting forth your best effort in your sport. It also shows that the world can unite and cheer on the best that they have. 

Joe: The Olympics are special because they try to set aside political motivations and agendas. Let’s forget about the Korean flag problem in the opening soccer matches and assume it was a mistake.

Ralphie: I love the Olympics because I love to watch the best athletes compete and do their best. I also like cheering for America, and I like hearing my Grammy sing the National Anthem every time an American wins a gold medal.

Brad: I really enjoy all the different sports available to watch.

Joe: The games try to provide the true spirit of pure athleticism, and it's the only time I get to watch ping-pong (officially table tennis) in prime time.

Chris: Not having Forest Gump representing our country is a drawback. And Robin Hood would make an ideal candidate for Great Britain’s archery team, were he not resigned to participating in the Senior Olympics. In fact, if the ideal Olympics were to take place, NBC’s ratings may begin swelling to the point where most events would be broadcast live.

Joe: The Olympics are the Brits’ time to shine, and I'd like to see all the great ones--entertainers that is, participate in opening ceremonies. Can you just imagine Elton, Sir Paul, Mick, maybe even Boy George doing a medley of each of their greatest hits. Talk about nostalgia.

Chris: The Olympic flame controversy was ignited with a handsome debate over whether to use matches or a lighter gun and whether the person holding said fire should be someone who appeals to children, a sportsman, person of royalty or a talented pyromaniac. This conundrum can only be solved by finding an individual who matches all of those qualifications. Seeing as how the decision comes down to two London residents, one living at Windsor Gardens, the other on Baker Street, it only makes sense to have Paddington Bear light the Olympic flame dressed as Sherlock Holmes.

Brad: I would like to see Orlando Bloom in a fencing competition. We have seen what kind of swashbuckler he is, but can he command an epee with the best of the best? It would be interesting to see just how his training for the movie would help him in actual competition.

Ralphie: I think the perfect English food to eat during the Olympics would be Shepherd's Pie. It's so delicious, but it fills me up fast. Bread and cheeses would be fun to snack on while I watch, too.

Joe: As an American, I would like to see America win the most medals. As a humanitarian, I would like to see the handicapped athletes--blind archer, prosthetic sprinter etc., medal in their respective events.

Chris: As inviting as it is for every American athlete and team to win gold, it is intensely more pleasurable to win an event as the underdog or when the competition is inherently evil. This is why Shoeshine Boy owns a blue cape and red sweater and is not content merely polishing loafers. However, there are not too many American underdogs in the Olympics. Therefore, I will reconcile this by pretending the basketball team is facing the “Monstars” team from “Space Jam,” Michael Phelps is covered in chum and being pursued by Jaws and Jennifer Nichols is part of “The Hunger Games.”

Brad: I think the closer the race, the better the competition. If you are winning by a landslide, then how do you know how good or bad you are? You need a competitor as good or better than yourself to be able to see your worth.

Ralphie: I want to see Michael Phelps on a Wheaties box after the Olympics. Watching him swim is awesome; he's a really great athlete.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

1 comment:

  1. I obviously forgot to list Mr. Bean playing "Chariots of Fire" as part of the perfect Olympics, but I'd say he won a gold medal for the opening ceremonies.


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