Sports Briefs: It's Not Rocket Science


(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: I am a University of Texas athletic supporter, though not the type of supporter worn by athletes. My dad raised me to root for the Longhorns. I have attended games for numerous sports, toured the campus, ate at Vince Young's Steakhouse in Austin and took pictures while inside, as if I were a member of the paparazzi. I have multiple plush Bevos, books, shirts and baseball cards. However, I can't recall anyone named Roger Clemens ever playing for Texas. Never heard of him. I don't know who he is. Spike Owen and Kelly Gruber are Texas' best baseball alums. I’m also not sure where Sugar Land is.

Joe: Rocket Man--not the Elton John hit, but Roger Clemens, is one of the greatest pitchers in baseball. Let's get by the steroids thing for the moment (after all, the jury said "not guilty"); his signing to play indie ball at age 50 is evidence of his confidence in himself. Let's see if he performs at a level to induce a major league team to sign him.

Brad: I would like to see newbies stepping up to the plate and forging some new baseball history. Time to wash away the rumors and start fresh. Send him to some league somewhere to help coach.

Ralphie: I like Roger Clemens a lot, but I think he's too old to be pitching for a minor league team. I think there should be a league for older players. It could even have major and minor league players. That way, baseball greats like Roger Clemens would never have to stop playing baseball.

Brad: At least he didn't walk right back into a major league spot. I think he is determined to regain his credibility as a powerful pitcher.

Chris: The Houston Astros have already scheduled Clemens for a September start, which will push back Clemens’ Hall of Fame eligibility five years, freeing him from association with Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Arnold Schwarzenegger, all of whom will be on the ballot for the first time. The downside to a comeback is that Clemens’ first start for the Astros coincidentally comes on a night when Mindy McCready is singing the national anthem and when the team will be giving away free syringes, sponsored by Scott & White.

Joe: Personally, I think he can make it back to majors, especially if he begins a regimen of green coffee bean extract and raspberry ketone.

Ralphie: No, I think his days in the MLB are over.

Chris: I wonder how far down the list Clemens would have to go trying to find a personal trainer before giving Brian McNamee a call. Would he try calling me before McNamee? Would he subject himself to Tony Little and his Gazelle machine? Would he inadvertently call McNamee after misremembering what the whole brouhaha was about?

Brad: I think him making it to the majors again would depend on how strong his pitching is and scandal free his life is thru the season.

Ralphie: I'd love to see him play in the majors, but at the same time, I kind of just want to remember him the way he was at his best.

Joe: Anybody at age 50 that can pitch at the major league level is worth the price of admission.

Brad: Clemens has a lot of baggage, both on the diamond and in his personal life. While he has a strong pitching record, it is forever muddied by the steroid rumors. Despite his being acquitted of charges.

Chris: Is it possible to feel soiled and corrupted just by hearing or reading someone's name? Try this: Rusty Hardin.

Ralphie: I hope he didn't take steroids, but I don't know if he did or not. As a major league baseball player, he's supposed to be a role model for kids like me, so I really hope he didn't.

Brad: Too many people stated it, his super human stamina. It is very possible in my opinion, however I wouldn't go as far as saying I thought for sure that he did. And as to the trial changing my opinion, no, it really didn't do anything other than distract from watching ball.

Joe: I am not one of the purists, and if you believe the current comments from the Balco founder, at least 50 percent of current baseball players use undetectable PHDs, so what we have is a playing field that's almost level. If you believe in our jury system, Roger Clemens is NOT GUILTY.

Chris: Roger Clemens may not make it into the Hall of Fame located in Cooperstown, N.Y., but upon completion of his trial, he did receive automatic induction into the Not Guilty Great Athlete Hall of Fame, alongside Kobe Bryant and OJ Simpson.

Joe: The HOF was supposed to be awarded based upon player performance. By the stats, Rocket Man qualifies. If he comes back, it will certainly soften the harshness of his critics, provided he doesn't admit to the green coffee extract and raspberry ketone.

Chris: Is it possible for Bill Mumy to wish Roger Clemens away into the cornfield? Does he still have those powers?

Ralphie: He's a great player, and I'd like to see him in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Plus, that would make my Roger Clemens baseball cards worth more money, and I'd love that!

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.


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