Sports Briefs: Shark Week with Greg Norman


(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: My wife and I were enjoying dinner the other night while watching Shark Week, which proved to be a study in nausea. A series of severed human tendons, disemboweled sea lions and skinned shark carcasses made my plate of spaghetti look somewhat akin to the images on TV, as well as wholly unappetizing. For the first time in my life, the Golf Channel was suddenly appealing.

Brad: I guess you could say Greg Norman is the “Sharkzilla” of golf. When he swings his club in the air, it is as beautiful as a breaching great white with a sea lion in its grasp. Growing up on a coral reef, he probably saw a lot of that from his fellow sharks.

Joe: Greg Norman is one of the greatest all-time pro golfers (in pre-Tiger era, over 300 weeks as No. 1) who had more defeats snatched from the jaws of victory than odds could predict. Then, he becomes an astute businessman (net worth maybe half a billion), and in the last few years comes out of golf retirement and finishes in top 10 in majors (senior and regular tour) in '08 and '09, without playing any other events.

Brad: He apparently would make it to the finals only to blow it and have to catch up but never could. He seemed to finally get the point that he needed the help of other golfing sharks like himself to revamp his game. Which he totally did.

Chris: Only a couple of years after Buffalo lost four straight Super Bowls, Greg Norman apparently retired from quarterbacking the Bills and took his talents to the golf course, where he proceeded to lose four straight Masters.

Joe: Aggressive play does not a choker make. Greg Norman is aggressive. Norman's looks, white hair, aggressive play, being from Australia and then being the great golfer that he was is a public relations orgasm--the Great White Shark shortened to The Shark--marketing magic.

Brad: He probably got his nickname from being an entrepreneur. Only someone nicknamed "The Shark" would be able to convince sharks to start golfing. Sharks aren't just going to listen to anyone. But an Australian from their own backyard named "Great White" . . . heck yeah they would pick up the clubs and start putting! Maybe he secretly owns Shark Week so that he can draw in all the fans to go to his shark website and buy his “Way of the Shark” autobiography, which has nothing at all to do with golfing sharks. What a waste of a perfectly good Aussie!

Joe: The Shark logo--ultra cool.

Brad: I think it is misleading, since you can only buy beef on his website. I mean, who wants to eat a hamburger while watching “Jaws”? No, you want a big hunk of shark steak so that you can show that great white who is boss!

Chris: Norman almost convinced me to attempt to coax my mom into buying me a hat with his neon shark logo. Aside from Chi Chi Rodriguez, who introduced me to the concept of using a golf club as a sword (as well as apparently introducing Elin Nordegren to the concept of golfing weaponry), Norman has proven to be successful at using the testimonial form of persuasion. I would have looked dapper playing Putt-Putt dressed as an extra on “Miami Vice.” I don’t even care if it is revealed that Norman and Scott Norwood are brothers.

Joe: Any guy who can finish in top 10 in major golf tournaments without playing regularly, as he has done recently, will draw a crowd. Whether he continues to play from time to time, now that Crissy is gone, we'll just have to wait and see.

Brad: Water therapy is good for senior citizens because it is easy on their joints, so maybe he should just skip the tours for awhile and focus strictly on training up-and-coming shark golfers. We don't need any soggy old golfers trying to golf on the nice greens.

Chris: Norman is worth a lot, but I just hope his nickname does not cause any aspiring foreign chefs to confuse him for a refined, humanoid offspring of Jabberjaw and attempt to remove any of his appendages. Reportedly, shark fin soup is a delicacy.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.


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