Sports Briefs: Trick or Treating with the Baltimore Ravens

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Ralphie: The Ravens are an appropriate team for a Halloween column because ravens are scary and look really creepy. My mom said there’s a great Halloween poem about ravens that’s good for Halloween, but I can’t read it until I’m older.

Chris: If Baltimore resident Edgar Allan Poe were still alive, he would be 203 years old. And if he was a football fan, and if he had a sports blog, and if he had one of those voice activated keyboards, I feel somewhat confident that it would be him and not me responsible for the couplet, “The Ravens’ defense is suddenly poor, since Ray Lewis’ season is nevermore.” I think that’s a couplet.

Joe: The Baltimore Ravens are fodder for a Halloween article since they are goons on the field--not to be confused with Oakland Raiders' fans, who are wannabe goons off the field. (Webster defines goon as "an enforcer"--it fits the Raven defense).

Brad: The Ravens are the perfect team for a Halloween column because of their name. Raven makes you think of a dark windy night in a cemetery.

Chris: I might have considered trick or treating at Poe’s house, but I would never, under any circumstances, be brave enough to dress in costume, ring Lewis' doorbell and ask for candy. Even the Berenstain Bears' kids view Lewis' house scarier than Widder Jones' house.

Joe: I went trick or treating at Ray Lewis' house, and all I got was a whip.

Chris: I went trick or treating at Ray Rice’s house and got an unopened box of Rice Krispies Treats.

Brad: I went trick or treating at Terrell Suggs' house and got his ankle brace.

Ralphie: I went trick-or-treating at Terrell Suggs house and got microwave popcorn. He said it’s important to do things fast.

Joe: I went trick or treating at Terrell Suggs' house, and all I got was a picture of Ray Lewis.

Chris: I went trick or treating at Jameel McClain’s house and got a package of Smarties dropped in my McDonald’s Scooby-Doo pail.

Brad: I went trick or treating at Michael Vick's house and got chocolate covered fleas.

Ralphie: I went trick-or-treating at Ray Rice’s house and got a Payday. He said his payday is bigger than the other players, and that’s why they should get the ball to him more often.

Joe: I went trick or treating at Joe Flacco's house, and all I got was a poster of Peyton Manning.

Chris: I went trick or treating at Corey Graham’s house and got a homemade s’mores, which became wholly unappetizing the moment he dropped it in my pail, since it was not wrapped and smeared chocolate and marshmallow everywhere.

Brad: I went trick or treating at Joe Flacco's house and got a three-year contract and a shoe deal.

Ralphie: I went trick-or-treating at Ladarius Webb’s house and got a Krackel. He said that’s what’s happening to the bones of all of the players on the team, and that’s why everybody keeps getting hurt.

Joe: I went trick or treating at Haloti Ngata's house, and all I got was a recording of Ray Lewis' impersonation of the Terminator--"I'll be back."

Chris: I went trick or treating at Ed Reed’s house and got a box of root beer-flavored Reed’s Candy Rolls that expired in the 1980s.

Brad: I went trick or treating at Sergio Kindle's house and got his jersey.

Ralphie: I went trick-or-treating at John Harbaugh’s house and got some Starburst. He said that’s what he keeps hoping to see out of his players.

Joe: I went trick or treating at Coach Harbaugh's house, and all I got was a picture of Pete Carroll with pinholes in it.

Chris: I went trick or treating at Michael Oher’s house, and Sandra Bullock answered the door and gave me a package of gummy bears.

Brad: I went trick or treating at John Harbaugh's house and got his playbook and offensive line extras.

Ralphie: I went trick-or-treating at Joe Flacco’s house and got Now and Laters. He said that’s when the Baltimore Ravens would make a touchdown.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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