Sports Briefs: Star Wars Casting

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: With Disney’s recent hostile takeover of Coruscant, it is only a matter of time before ESPN’s parent company begins filming “SportsCenter” each night from the Jedi Temple, using the two-headed pod racer announcers from “Episode I” as anchors.

Ralphie: I think it's really awesome! There's been a Star Wars ride and a Star Wars Weekend at Walt Disney World for a really long time, and I think it's really cool that Star Wars really belongs to Disney now.

Joe: Since Disney probably has enough money to buy Lucas Films, which includes not only the rights to Star Wars but also the rights to Lucas himself, a new generation has been born. All good for the movie industry, and maybe they'll have a Quidditch-like space game featured.

Brad: I don't think there will be too much. Even though they are owned by the same company, I don't see anything that they could crisscross.

Joe: ESPN might have a futuristic sports giant role, similar to what they do now, and Chris Berman can have another reason to go back to Weight Watchers.

Ralphie: I think it would be really cool if they dressed the Star Wars characters up in sports uniforms or made up some Jedi sports.

Brad: I think that it could be a great move for Disney, but I think it will be completely different from anything Lucas worked on.

Chris: Disney has already announced plans for an “Episode VII” and may or may not be contemplating torture methods to get the original “Episode IV” actors to reprise their roles. However, this assumes Hollywood has the creative wherewithal to refrain from doing a remake, while simultaneously taking advantage of ESPN’s marketing abilities by casting sports figures as the original characters, who apparently have many similarities.

Ralphie: Nick Saban would be R2-D2 because he's really little.

Brad: Peyton Manning would be C-3PO. I see them both being fragile and worrying about things. But they are both important and needed to win. Manning is the QB, and the team needs his leadership and skills to win. C-3PO is a translator and can communicate with anyone in any situation, like a QB.

Chris: It would be unconceivable for another role to be as hotly contested as that of bounty hunter Boba Fett. Half of the New Orleans Saints’ defense qualifies, and there is a rumor circulating that Gregg Williams has put a bounty on my fingers, should I not type that he is awarded the role. But seeing as how Boba Fett is short and wears green, I completely agree with Luis Zendejas that this is the part Buddy Ryan was born to play.

Joe: I would like to see Bill Parcells play Jabba the Hutt--large, profane and antagonistic towards all.

Ralphie: Steve Spurrier would be a great Emperor Palpatine because they're both sort of evil, and nobody likes either one of them.

Brad: Charles Barkley will be Yoda. He is short and quick and bounces around everyone. He is kind of animated and comical as well.

Chris: Kobe-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan Ginobili. The Jedi master’s name lends itself to witty repertoire (I just said “repertoire”). But Master Kenobi still had his hair in his old age, which disqualifies Manu. And Obi-Wan was always a protector of women, which rules out Bryant. I have yet to witness how adept Kobe’s former coach handles a light saber or how often he utilizes a giant lizard as transportation, but when it comes to demeanor and appearance, the role has been bestowed upon Phil Jackson.

Joe: I would like to see Chewbacca's character get lines like our favorite NFL coaching rants--we can't understand them either.

Ralphie: Tim Tebow would make a great Han Solo because my mom thinks that Han Solo and Tim Tebow are handsome. Gross!!

Brad: I think Serena Williams would make a good Princess Leia. She is determined and strong, yet still a girl. I can see her being tough and fighting for what she believes in.

Chris: The hero of the original “Star Wars” film had issues. He was not raised by his parents. He unknowingly fell in love with and kissed his sister on the lips. He saved the galaxy and destroyed the Death Star. He learned that his master attempted to kill his father, though he was understanding about this, since his father was responsible for blowing up his sister’s home planet. He forgave and redeemed his father. And he apparently later married and spawned generations of Skywalkers, including the 1989 NBA Slam Dunk Contest winner. Kenny did apply for the part of Luke, but this is a role designed for a hero who doesn’t quite fit in. Someone who has lead his team to multiple championships, yet is the reason his team didn’t win more. Someone who’ll make the Hall of Fame, yet also not care enough about the town he plays in to refrain from wearing a rival city’s baseball team’s hat. Someone who dates models, fathers children out of wedlock and wears nothing but an oversized fur coat for a cologne ad. I’m not sure what his relationship with his three sisters is, but Tom Brady wins the part of Luke Skywalker.

Joe: I would like to see Bill Belichick play the role of Darth Vader in a sleeveless hoodie with lines like, "May the fourth down be with you."

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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