Sports Briefs: If Jerry Jones was Scrooge

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: Ebenezer Ekuban was retired. This must be directly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate. I am also very grateful that Charles Dickens is not an avid sports fan, making it highly unlikely that we will be involved in a controversial plagiarism scandal together.

Brad: Jerry Jones must be channeling Scrooge. He is making the players play, despite the upsetting recent events. Then, he is seemingly picking fights with players whose emotions are already tense. All this going into Christmas week.

Joe: Jerry Jones would not be my pick to play Ebenezer Scrooge. Being rich does not make everyone a Scrooge. Jerry Jones is intense in hands-on football management and egotistical.  Scrooge was none of those--just a money collector.

Chris: Jones does have very warm blankets, sheets and curtains, all of which are in like new condition. And the last time I reluctantly asked him for a donation or offered him an invitation to Christmas dinner, all he said was, “Bah! Humbug!” and mentioned about the humbug being the official insect of the Dallas Cowboys.

Joe: Scrooge's nephew Fred is a minor character whose only fault is he's poor and happy. I guess the Cowboys’ waterboy would be as good a cast as anybody to play Fred, because everybody else associated with Jones (all his children) work for the team and are rich.

Chris: I imagine Coach Jason Garrett would look formidable standing on the sideline dressed in a top hat, 7-foot-long scarf and fingerless gloves, ergo making him the ideal candidate to play Bob Cratchit. And when Jones attends practices, sits in on meetings or stands on the sideline during games, he violates Garrett’s personal space to a level that even Scrooge would deem uncomfortable.

Brad: The actual team itself could be Tiny Tim. The team needs good leadership from Scrooge right now, and instead he seems to be beating them down to the point they are falling apart. He needs a wakeup call before Tiny Tim (the Cowboys) lose the drive to play with their all.

Ralphie: If Jerry Jones were Scrooge, the ghost of Jacob Marley would be Clint Marchison, the original Cowboys owner, because he is gravely concerned with the team's performance.

Joe: Give me Jimmy Johnson to play the Ghost of Christmas Past. Jimmy could remind Jerry of how good times could be if Jerry didn't always stick his nose in the business of being a coach.

Chris: Today marks the first time in history that Tom Landry and Fezziwig are mentioned in the same sentence, let alone be considered interchangeable. Both Landry and Fezziwig gave their customers what they wanted (Super Bowl wins and an annual frolicsome Christmas party), while displaying a sense of decency (and trendsetting fedoras and 19th century Welsh wigs, respectively). Jones fired Landry, and Scrooge essentially fired Fezziwig, allowing them to share the same plight.

Brad: Brad Sham would be a good fit for the Ghost of Christmas Present, since he has been the voice of the Cowboys for years. He has a unique view of the team and its play history and would be able to show Scrooge the consequences of his current actions and how they are affecting his team right now.

Ralphie: If Jerry Jones were Scrooge, Mark Cuban would be the Ghost of Christmas Future because he is going to demand better performance out of all of the players.

Joe: If Jerry underwent the same epiphany as Scrooge, he would stay off the sideline, let the coach "coach" and hire Sean Payton. He would be a different person, because he would become a winner.

Brad: Jones needs to wake Christmas morning and take a step back and help his team regroup and let them know that, while they have a job to do, they also need to be supportive of each other and be united as a team. Jones would still be the driving force he is that brought the Cowboys back to the top, but he would also be a better leader, making sure his team is emotionally healthy and unified.

Ralphie: On Christmas Day, he will wake up, "clean house," and try to improve the character and performance of the team.

Chris: If Jerry Jones were to come full circle as Scrooge, the story would end with Jones picking up Tony Romo and carrying him away on his shoulders.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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