Coach and Referee Pregame Conference

(By David Grant)

Ref: OK coach, let’s have a good game today. I would like to go over your lineup. Who’s your (spoken with an accent to sound like "Hoosier") QB?

Coach: No, he’s from Iowa. 

Ref: Who’s from Iowa? 

Coach: Our quarterback. 

Ref: Great, what’s his name? 

Coach: It’s Long. 

Ref: How long? 

Coach: Yes. 

Ref: Yes, what? 

Coach: That’s his name. 

Ref: What’s his name? 

Coach: Howard Long, we call him "How" for short. 

Ref: OK, your left tackle, what’s his name? 

Coach: He’s a Holder. 

Ref: Yes, we know, we have seen the tapes. 

Coach: No, I mean his name is Holder. 

Ref: Oh, I see, what’s his first name? 

Coach: Hans. 

Ref: Hans? 

Coach: Yes, Hans. Hans Holder. He’s from Germany. Played in the Europe League. He doesn’t speak real good English, so if he comes to you and says that they are holding Hans, don’t think it is something weird, ok? 

Ref: Sure, coach. OK, so your left guard, what’s his name? 

Coach: Oh, he’s number 69. 

Ref: Oh? How did he get that number? 

Coach: Let’s just say that he’s good at working over defensive tackles. 

Ref: OK, what is his name?

Coach: Name? I don’t think we ever found out. We’ve just always said, "Hey, 69!" 

Ref: OK, your center. 

Coach: He’s 50. 

Ref: Fifty? Isn’t that old for a center? 

Coach: No, that’s his number. 

Ref: Oh, I see. Well, what’s his name? 

Coach: Hiker. 

Ref: Hiker? 

Coach: Yes, Hutson Hiker. 

Ref: OK. So when the QB comes to the line and yells, "HUT," does Hutson answer, "Yes"? 

Coach: No, he’s deaf. He goes by a slap on the old keester. 

Ref: So if you have a long count, his butt must be pretty sore after four quarters, huh? 

Coach: Well, we keep an ice pack in his pants. 

Ref: What about a silent count? How does he know when to snap the ball? 

Coach: He just goes whenever he’s ready. 

Ref: I see. Your right guard, what is his name? 

Coach: Pitts. 

Ref: Pitts? 

Coach: Yes, Pitts. Armond Pitts. 

Ref: OK. I guess Arm Pitts is a good name for a right guard. 

Coach: Hey, are you making fun of my guys’ names? 

Ref: Oh no, coach, we’re here just to officiate the game. You can call your guys whatever you want. Your right tackle, what is his name? 

Coach: Oh, that’s Easy! 

Ref: Why is that easy? 

Coach: Because that’s his name. Easy. 

Ref: And his first name?

Coach: Overland. We call him Over Easy for short, because he can’t block too well. 

Ref: OK, coach. Your tight end. What is his name? 

Coach: Our tight end is Nacho Smart. 

Ref: Why do you say that, coach? Did he go to Indiana? 

Coach: No, that’s his name. Nacho Smart. 

Ref: Oh, ok. Your receivers, what are their names? 

Coach: Our wide-outs are Greasy Fingers and Hunter Ball. 

Ref: Coach, not to sound sarcastic, but is there anyone on your team with a normal name? 

Coach: Oh yes, Jose Waters manages the Gatorade coolers, and Armstrong Tapers is the trainer. 

Ref: Well coach, I think that about covers it. Any questions for me or my crew? 

Coach: Where do I get some of those beanbags? They would be great for Toss Across.

David Grant is a former NCAA official and currently resides in southern California. He is the site's NFL Briefs writer.

1 comment:

  1. Andy Reid and Ed Hercules should act out this conversation.


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