(Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie didn't attend Media Day at Super Boxl XLVII in New Orleans, but if they did, here is what they would have asked members of the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens, sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)
Joe: I'd like to ask Ray Lewis what his plans are after the Super Bowl and which evangelist he most aspires to be like.
Chris: I’d like to ask Ray Lewis if he missed having Shannon Sharpe on Media Day.
Brad: I’d like to ask both Jim and John Harbaugh the same question: Do you find it challenging to coach opposite your brother? For example, you are obviously close being brothers, so do you find that you are able to anticipate what the other may plan on playing?
Ralphie: I'd like to ask how the coaches feel coaching against their brother.
Joe: I'd like to ask both Harbaugh brothers if there will be a handshake in the middle of the field after the game.
Chris: I’d like to ask Joe Flacco if he is one of Noel and Liam Gallagher’s brothers and if he was secretly adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Flacco.
Brad: I'd like to ask quarterback Joe Flacco if he has any pregame superstitions. If so, what are they, and do you do them every game, every other game?
Ralphie: I'd like to ask the 49ers coach if he's going to be nicer to his brother after the game than he was to some of the other coaches this season.
Joe: I'd like to ask all the players from both teams if there will be new tattoos after the game.
Chris: I’d like to ask Colin Kaepernick if anyone has ever thought his tattoos were a treasure map.
Brad: I'd like to ask tight end Garrett Celek do you feel embarrassed to be an injured player, or is it just another day at work? Do you get treated differently by other players or coaches while injured, or do you get the same treatment you would when able to play?
Ralphie: I'd like to ask the 49ers quarterback how he feels about his season and if he ever imagined it happening this way.
Joe: I'd like to ask Randy Moss who really cares if he plays another year.
Chris: I’d like to ask Randy Moss if he’s ever mooned any fans other than Green Bay’s.
Brad: I'd like to ask Isaac Sopoaga whether he thinks he will get the opportunity to showcase his throwing abilities. Or is defense his stronger talent?
Ralphie: I'd like to ask how the Harbaugh brothers' mom feels about her boys coaching against each other.
Joe: I'd like to ask the sports media to refrain from naming the winner "greatest Super Bowl winner ever," since the winner will be the only ever non-loser of a Super Bowl. (Fat Chance for Fat Tuesday.)
Chris: I’d like to ask Terrell Suggs if he’s ever read any poetry.
Brad: I'd like to ask kicker Justin Tucker about his role on the field and what sort of pressure he feels to make a kick perfect and also what happens should a kick fall short.
Ralphie: I'd like to ask the Harbaugh brothers what advice their dad gave them.
Joe: I'd like to ask the advertisers why there is a "Cat Bowl" this year and what will be left for next year.
Chris: I’d like to ask Ray Lewis about the disappearance of the mysterious “Poe Toaster,” who visited Edgar Allan Poe’s grave each year on his birthday, and if he was involved in any way.
Brad: I'd like to ask Ray Lewis if he thinks he will have any regrets once officially retired. Also, does he have any thoughts on coaching or sportscasting and staying connected to the game?
Ralphie: I'd like to ask Ray Lewis how he feels playing in his final game.
Joe: I'd like to ask all the reporters who cover the Super Bowl why they are needed, when we have Twitter and Facebook.
Chris: I’d like to ask Michael Oher if Sandra Bullock is a good cook.
Brad: I'd like to ask the cheerleaders and mascots is it more fun than work being able to travel around and root for your teams. Are there any negative aspects to being a cheerleader or mascot?
Ralphie: I'd like to ask the Auburn players on each team what their favorite memories of Auburn are.
Joe: I'd like to ask Commissioner Goodell if he's going to ask for a raise next year from his current $20M.
Chris: I’d like to ask Commissioner Goodell what kind of disguises he plans on wearing while out in public in New Orleans and if he will have bodyguards.
Brad: I'd like to ask both teams does the possibility of crazed fans ever worry or distract you from playing.
Ralphie: I'd like to ask the 49ers middle linebacker how he feels playing Ray Lewis.
Joe: I'd like to ask Colin Kaepernick and Rickie Fowler (golfer) if the have the same baseball hat manufacturer.
Chris: I’d like to ask Vernon Davis if he has ever eaten Rice-A-Roni.
Brad: I'd like to ask quarterback Colin Kaepernick if he gets anxious before games and if so, how does he work thru it to be able to focus on the game.
Ralphie: I'd like to ask each coach whom he predicts will be MVP for the game.
Joe: I'd like to ask both the winner and the loser which floats they would choose to ride in the following week's Mardi Gras parade.
Chris: I’d like to ask Mr. and Mrs. Harbaugh if they have been approached by any NFL teams, inquiring as to whether they plan on having any more children.
Brad: I’d like to ask both Jim and John Harbaugh do you have any sibling rivalry over who may win.
Ralphie: I'd like to ask the Harbaugh brothers if they ever dreamed as little boys that they'd be in this situation.
Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.