Sports Briefs: What I Learned From All the 2013 March Madness Schools

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: I learned that Akron chose their nickname, the Zips, because of the popularity of zippers on pants, making this the wise choice, as opposed to being nicknamed the Flies.

Brad: I learned that Albany was the first college with the Great Danes as a mascot because all the chihuahuas were sold out.

Ralphie: I learned that Arizona better be ready to face future pro Mike Muscala.

Chris: I learned that Belmont is a school in Tennessee and is not a New York university for race horses.

Brad: I learned that Boise State are the Broncos, even though the state animal is the blue jay. Apparently they don't think blue jays are a powerful image.

Ralphie: I learned that Bucknell is called a Patriot League team, but it seems like James Madison ought to be that.

Chris: I learned that Butler’s coach, Tom Hinkle, invented orange basketballs, in order for them to be seen easier, which is ironic, considering orange is a color not perceptible to dogs.

Brad: I learned that California has a program for people to donate money to the athletics programs, and donors are called “Bear Backers.”

Ralphie: I learned that Cincinnati is a hard word to spell.

Chris: I learned that Colorado was the school of choice for Robert Redford, though he did not graduate, opting instead to pursue his other interests, including baseball and horse whispering.

Brad: I learned that Colorado State sports used to be the Aggies, and they painted an "A" on the hillside next to the field to remind fans what the first letter of the alphabet is. Ironically, Coach Jim Williams coached for 26 seasons, the same number as letters in the alphabet.

Ralphie: I learned that Creighton's Doug McDermott has been named one of the 10 March Madness players to follow on Instagram.

Chris: I learned that Davidson’s most famous dropout was President Woodrow Wilson, a fact often told by students considering dropping out of Davidson.

Brad: I learned that Duke's stadium is named for Coach Cameron, and cheering fans are called Cameron Crazies, a name given to them for how crazy loud they can yell.

Ralphie: I learned that Florida Gulf Coast's coach is married to a supermodel.

Chris: I learned that Florida’s coach often drives the DRAG-U-LA to work, when his father, Herman, is not using it.

Brad: I learned that Georgetown's current coach, Jim Thompson III, plans on coaching until he has a son and he is old enough to become another Jim Thompson Hoya coach.

Ralphie: I learned that Gonzaga is a basketball team and not some weird animal from the desert.

Chris: I learned that Harvard is apparently getting closer to discovering a scientific formula to winning basketball games.

Brad: I learned that Illinois' Fighting Ilini got its name because there wasn't enough room on the jerseys for all the letters in Illinois.

Ralphie: I learned that Indiana had never won an NBA championship before the '01-'02 season.

Chris: I learned that Iona was Thelma Harper’s neighbor on “Mama’s Family.”

Brad: I learned that Iowa State teams are called the Cyclones, but not because they like weather terms.

Ralphie: I learned that James Madison hasn't played in the NCAA championship in 30 years.

Chris: I learned that Kansas’ cheer, “Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk” is referring to chalk rock limestone, which the university sits on, presumably after having been built by Fred Flintstone.

Brad: I learned that Kansas State’s Alex Potuzak likes to go sky diving and land on his butt and slide across the ground.

Ralphie: I learned that La Salle hasn't been to the championships in 23 years.

Chris: I learned that Liberty wishes Seth Curry was still paying tuition to their school.

Brad: I learned that even though Long Island-Brooklyn has no cosmetology program, the Blackbirds were suspended in 1951 for being involved in a point-shaving scandal.

Ralphie: I learned that Louisville, where baseball bats come from, may be the home of the March Madness champs this year.

Chris: I learned that Marquette would have been LeBron James’ choice for school, had he known Dwyane Wade 13 years ago and not been a high school freshman himself.

Brad: I learned that Memphis did not have a gym to play or practice in for the first nine years that they had a team, forcing them to practice in the bathroom.

Ralphie: I learned that Miami is counting on Shane Larkin to score big points.

Chris: I learned that Michigan students would be amicable if Hugh Jackman were led around on a leash in Wolverine makeup on game days.

Brad: I learned that Michigan State's student spirit section is called the Izzone. The visiting teams must sit in the ozone.

Ralphie: I learned that Middle Tennessee State's Bruce Massey says March Madness makes him think of "upsets" and "magical runs." That just sounds funny to me.

Chris: I learned that Minnesota’s most famous dropout is Bob Dylan.

Brad: I learned that Missouri State is located in Springfield and is Bart Simpson's first-choice school.

Ralphie: I learned that Montana's head coach is named Wayne Tinkle. He's Coach Tinkle.

Chris: I learned that NC A&T once sold their textbooks to the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Brad: I learned that at every home game at New Mexico, all the fans stand and cheer until someone from both sides makes it across the border.

Ralphie: I learned that New Mexico State probably won't make it too far.

Chris: I learned that North Carolina’s dorms caused Andy Griffith to be homesick.

Brad: I learned that Zach Galifianakis learned to party hard at NC State.

Ralphie: I learned that Northwestern State's mascot is the demon. I don't think I could cheer for demons.

Chris: I learned that Notre Dame subjected themselves to wearing jerseys that had been colored using a giant highlighter.

Brad: I learned that Ohio State's mascot, Brutus Buckeye, likes to do aerobics with Richard Simmons.

Ralphie: I learned that Oklahoma beat Oklahoma State.

Chris: I learned that Oklahoma State’s mascot, Pistol Pete, has been unfaithful to the school, taking similar positions with both New Mexico State and Wyoming.

Brad: I learned that Ole Miss has the best excuse for skipping classes. During the Civil War, the entire student body enlisted in the Confederate Army, forcing classes to be cancelled.

Ralphie: I learned that Oregon's basketball uniforms look as dumb as their football uniforms do.

Chris: I learned that Pacific’s most notable professor is archeology instructor Indiana Jones.

Brad: I learned that Gary Busey attended Pittsburgh but was not fired.

Ralphie: I learned that Saint Louis players will be wearing black ribbons on their uniforms in memory of their coach who died in December.

Chris: I learned that San Diego State’s mascot, Monty, is not dressed appropriately enough for class.

Brad: I learned that the inventor of the Briggs & Stratton engine graduated from South Dakota.

Ralphie: I learned that Southern almost beat Gonzaga in the first game of March Madness.

Chris: I learned that St. Mary’s students often entertain themselves late at night by going to the local Safeway grocery store, which is open 24 hours.

Brad: I learned that Syracuse's mascot is Otto the Orange, because the Big Apple was already taken.

Ralphie: I learned that Temple has a player who proves you don't have to be a giant to play basketball.

Chris: I learned that UCLA students are well represented on “The Price is Right.”

Brad: I learned that Guy Fieri graduated from UNLV but did not take any culinary classes.

Ralphie: I learned that Valparaiso may need to drink more energy drinks before a game.

Chris: I learned that Virginia Commonwealth’s cafeteria once served art major Wiley Miller, who was apparently sufficiently inspired by the food to create the comic strip “Non Sequitur.”

Brad: I learned that even though they are called the Wildcats at Villanova, they have won as the underdog 15 times!

Ralphie: I learned that Western Kentucky has a basketball team.

Chris: I learned that Wichita State’s mascot represents a bundle of wheat, rather than Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

Brad: I learned that home games for Wisconsin are played at Kohl Center, but they do not buy their uniforms from Kohl's.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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