Sports Briefs: Going Green with the Oakland Athletics

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: After an investigative study that involved a Google search and dressing up in a disguise, I was able to confirm that the Oakland Athletics are the only Major League Baseball team who prefers to wear hats and uniforms the color of regurgitated spinach. The Athletics have also managed to give their AL West opponents a nauseous feeling last season and the beginning of this season, causing one to question why Philip Seymour Hoffman has not been mentioned as a Manager of the Year candidate.

Brad: They may actually go pretty far this season.

Ralphie: I think they'll be pretty good this year, but as Kermit the Frog told us, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Brad: It seems that the A's are playing quite well with their reserve players this season. That being said, maybe using the older players as fertilizer for the younger players is a better strategy than buying them straight from the farm.

Chris: The A’s general manager, Brad Pitt, has been known for recycling players, including Bartolo Colon and Manny Ramirez, though I’m not certain if the performance-enhancing drugs they took were 100 percent organic.

Ralphie: I like older, veteran players more than the green, new ones.

Chris: Oakland is in a unique position for two reasons: 1) their city is named after oak trees, providing the team clever promotional ideas for Earth Day, such as giving away packets of redwood tree seedlings to fans, and 2) their proximity to Los Angeles allows for a future name change to the Los Angeles Athletics of Oakland, providing the team a squalid way to make more green. I just said “squalid.”

Ralphie: I think it's a good idea for them to give away trees. Redwood trees are really pretty when they mature.

Brad: It sounds like a really good idea, until you find out that 75 percent of all Earth Day seedlings end up abandoned and sit in shelters waiting and hoping that someone will adopt them. Some people just don't have enough yard space or patience needed to raise and care for a redwood seedling. We won't even get into spaying or neutering the seedlings! When not spayed or neutered, they will just grow out of control, and then before you know it, you have a whole forest on your hands! Who has time to care for a whole forest?!

Chris: Smokey the Bear would happily submit his application to be Oakland’s mascot, should the white elephant Stomper succumb to temptation and join a traveling circus. Smokey could convince fans to place their paper and plastic in recycling bins by threatening to explain why he wears pants but not a shirt.

Ralphie: I think fans could be more green if they would paint their faces and chests green to cheer for the players.

Brad: Well, instead of everyone buying drinks, one drink can be passed around. Kinda like when fans do “the wave.” Someone could yell “A” (because they're the A's), and then the person on the end takes a drink and passes it on. That would have to cut the cup waste by at least half!

Chris: For reasons unknown Major League Baseball has yet to discover the benefits of using or selling baseballs made from grass-fed, hormone-free cattle. These balls would bring in more revenue and may even prove somewhat appetizing to hungry, health-conscious fans, as opposed to balls made from cows on steroids.

Ralphie: I think the fans spend a lot of green to go to the baseball games, so I don't know if they need to try to get "more green."

Brad: In all seriousness I think teams should do giveaways that involve you recycling on your own time. Instead of giving out a blanket or a calendar, give out directions to the recycling center. And then when someone goes and drops stuff off to be recycled, they get a voucher for a free game ticket. Then you get repeat fans and recycling!

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
  

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