Sports Briefs: An Unselfish, Reverse 2013 NFL Draft Mockery

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: Counselors hate the NFL Draft. This is because when it comes to drafting players, NFL teams are only thinking about themselves and what their needs are. Teams don’t consider the players’ needs. A counselor would refer to that as “outlandish selfishness,” which would not bode well, unless that phrase was misheard and pilfered by a marketing executive, who pitched the idea to a seafood restaurant (“Outlandish shellfish-ness, going on all month at Red Lobster!”).

Ralphie: I don't want to see any of the players get into a fight.

Brad: I don't want to see all the best players go to the same three teams. I would like to see talent spread around the NFL. A more balanced playing field.

Ralphie: I'd be excited because I'd be rich and be getting to play ball for a living. Then, I'd look out at everybody and say, "I just got drafted by the NFL, and guess what I'm going to do now? I'm going to Disney World!!"

Chris: Roger Goodell has a unique ability to give congratulatory embraces to draftees that give the appearance that he is trying to slow dance with them.

Brad: I would take that as a token of how far people can come and how emotions have a place next to money in the NFL.

Chris: Commandant Goodell uses this intimate time, not only to make viewers uncomfortable, but to assuage players who may be concerned about being drafted. Typical concerns include worries of relocating to a team far away from home, to a team already full at the position they play, to a town whose weather they’re unaccustomed to or to a team unwilling to let Lennay Kekua take part in activities with the other players’ wives or girlfriends. But what if NFL teams drafted players based on the actual players’ needs or allowed players to choose the team that drafted them?

Ralphie: Tyrann Mathieu should be drafted by the Saints, because he already has a fan base.

Brad: Geno Smith should be drafted by the Green Bay Packers, because he needs to pack up his attitude if he wants to play ball.

Chris: Manti Te’o should be drafted by the Jaguars, because they don't have the Internet in Jacksonville.

Ralphie: Matt Barkley should be drafted by the Falcons, because he and Matt Ryan could tag team quarterback.

Brad: Dion Jordan should be drafted by the New York Giants, because at his height, he would feel right at home.

Chris: Eddie Lacy should be drafted by any team also willing to sign someone (preferably a blocking fullback) with the last name “Cagney.” I imagine Cagney and Lacy would run for at least seven seasons.

Ralphie: Denard Robinson should be drafted by the Jaguars because then, he wouldn't have to leave Florida.

Brad: Luke Joeckel should be drafted by the Jacksonville Jaguars, because they need all the help they can get and Joeckel is a jack-of-all-trades.

Chris: Collin Klein should be drafted by the New York Jets. Having a fifth quarterback on the roster would make for enjoyable banter and also allow Klein easy access to Calvin Klein’s headquarters in Manhattan, where he can claim to be an heir, should Rex Ryan eventually decide to eliminate the quarterback position altogether.

Ralphie: Jarvis Jones should be drafted by the Bears because he used to play for Alabama, and Alabama people still think that the word "Bear" is a magic word.

Brad: Landry Jones should be drafted by the Minnesota Vikings, so that he doesn't get bored and fall asleep while plundering.

Chris: Eric Fisher should be drafted by a team in Los Angeles. As the Kansas City Chiefs will soon learn, Fishers are not content unless they are playing point guard for the Lakers.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
  

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