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Chris: Barbed wire, Care Bear tummy symbols and Superman’s “It’s not an ‘S’” logo. Those seem to be the most popular tattoos for athletes to get, though Chris Andersen and J.R. Smith may or may not have logos from the entire selection of Justice League characters decorating their epididymis. Not only do athletes want to engrave Kal-El’s symbol in permanent ink on their body, they also strive to imitate him. Robert Griffin III wears Superman socks. The NBA requires all its players to wear lensless, Clark Kent-style glasses to all postgame interviews. And LeBron James has been wearing his jersey like a cape to practice.
Joe: Well, the ability to fly would revolutionize sports. Can you imagine LeBron flying from one end of the court to the other, receiving a pass from Bosh and doing a vertical slam dunk? How about Gronk flying across the end zone snatching a Tom Brady bomb?
Brad: I think the athletes being able to fly would make some sports extra interesting to watch. It would definitely make basketball a bit more like hockey. Imagine LeBron James flying toward his hoop with the ball, and then Tim Duncan comes flying at him, grabs the ball, they spin around in midair fighting each other for the ball . . . could be exciting!
Ralphie: I would like for athletes to have Superman's super strength because I would like to see some of the average players get more athletic and have a time to be in the spotlight.
Brad: Superman is strong and fast. Those two strengths would be valuable for most sports. Also, he doesn't get hurt easily, so there would be less resting and injuries.
Joe: Resilient in the face of adversity, competition, and physical threats. He strives to win.
Ralphie: He has to compete against a lot of different opponents, and he has tons of loyal fans. Also, he never gives up.
Chris: Shaquille O’Neal and Dwight Howard have threatened to have a North-Going and South-Going Zax-like standoff to determine who is the rightful owner of the “Superman” nickname, with Howard actually dressing up as Clark Kent and changing into a red cape and blue pajamas in a phone booth before attempting a dunk in the Slam Dunk Contest. And this was actually years ago, when fans used to like him. Even Nate Robinson paid homage to the mythology, by dressing up as “Krypto-Nate.” Competition to be considered sport’s version of the “Man of Steel” is fierce, with Khalid El-Amin’s parents even trying to pass off their son as Superman’s sibling.
Ralphie: Nick Saban would be the best choice for General Zod because he wants power and wants everyone to follow him and think he's superior.
Brad: Serena Williams would be good for the role of Faora, because she is strong and powerful and dominating like the character of Faora is.
Chris: Someone needs to angrily assign Lois Lane to cover Coach Saban and Serena descending from space together, while randomly shouting, “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and smoking a cigar. Perry White is the editor-in-chief of “The Daily Planet,” though he doesn’t like to be called “Chief,” which explains why Kansas City’s football team never seriously considered drafting him. Perry White’s position looks like a job for Mike Ditka, who has the temperament, Chief-free career and teeth-marked cigars for the job.
Joe: Jor El would best be played by Bill Belichick who has brought his Superman son home - Tim Tebow.
Ralphie: Mia Hamm would be the best choice for Martha Kent because she looks really nice like Martha Kent does, and she's a mom, too.
Brad: Coach John Wooden not only led his players to victories, he taught them morals and values, making them better players and better people, similiar to a father figure. So he would be perfect for the role of Jonathan Kent.
Chris: As far as an investigative newshound with inside knowledge, who’s always getting the scoop before everyone else, mostly due to being best friends forever with the newsmakers themselves, Stephen A. Smith would be the perfect choice, except for the fact that said role is also Superman’s girlfriend and eventual wife. Seeing as how Lois Lane was first portrayed by Noel Neill and most recently by Amy Adams, it seems knowing how to adequately handle the pressures that come with having one’s first and last name start with the same letter is a prerequisite for the role. That makes Bonnie Bernstein perfect for the role of “The Daily Planet’s” ace reporter.
Joe: Bo Jackson would be the best choice for Superman, because he is the greatest athlete of our time. Just like he ran up the outfield wall, Bo could fly up, up and away. His sheer speed and size was superhuman, and he could leap over Brian Bosworth with a single bound and obliterate him.
Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.