Sports Briefs: Shark Week in Camden

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: There are a number of procedures recommended to people who may find themselves being partially devoured by a shark. Slapping the shark’s nose or gouging its eyes is effective, and this also explains why none of the Three Stooges have ever been attacked by a shark. However, I have yet to see a Discovery Channel special that suggests using a bat to defend oneself. This is because Riversharks, particularly one species of baseball-playing sharks located in Camden, N.J., use bats as toothpicks. Though I suppose the team’s mascot, Finley, may be even more impressive, seeing as how he can both breathe oxygen and walk upright.

Brad: Don't really know much about them. RIversharks must not be as impressive as great whites. Finley is pretty silly looking.

Joe: Finley is cute little mascot and may be fun for kids. Finley is certainly not a scary mascot, and that is good for the kids.

Ralphie: I think Finley is a "sharp" mascot. He's pretty silly-looking, but I think little kids might be scared of him.

Chris: Any shark who has the capability of buttoning up a baseball jersey is not to be trifled with.

Brad: The colors are definitely good for a shark. They should probably take the bats out of their mouths and trying using them to hit the ball. Then maybe they would win some games.

Ralphie: The Riversharks' logo, uniforms, and colors are unique, and I like them a lot.

Joe: The uni's are cool, and I love the logo incorporating the bridge.

Chris: Camden’s baseball stadium is located as close to the Delaware River as the San Francisco Giants’ stadium is to the Pacific Ocean, providing a perfect view of the game for river sharks to watch the Riversharks.

Ralphie: I think their park would be pretty cool, and I'd really like to go visit it sometime. I don't think being so close to the Phillies could hurt the Phillies. It'd be cool to go visit because I could see both teams play.

Joe: I think the Riversharks location being close to the Philadelphia Phillies is not an issue. This gives the region an alternative and lower cost option to see professional baseball. The Camden Riversharks are not affiliated with MLB, yet draw nice crowds of 4-7,000.

Brad: It might take some fans away since there is a MLB team right there. It probably doesn't affect the Phillies at all.

Joe: I believe the close proximity of the Phillies to the Riversharks could hurt the Riversharks’ attendance on some occasions, but overall it is not an issue. I believe the Riversharks are good for baseball and baseball fans; therefore, I think it is good for the Phillies.

Chris: Polls have shown that sharks prefer watching Camden’s baseball team than the nearby Phillies. Though I would guess they would be less interested in the outcome of games and more interested in eating those who play the games.

Ralphie: I would hang open shark mouths on the outfield fence, and if a batter hits a ball into one of the sharks' mouths, everybody at that game would win a Riversharks t-shirt!!

Joe: I would have a wave pool where the kids could go swimming, with shark fins appearing randomly. Also, a baseball toss for kids trying to hit a shark.

Brad: First 100 tickets buyers get a shark tooth. First 100 people thru the gate get a stuffed shark. First 100 people get a souvenir ticket with a bite out of it. I would make vehicle look like a shark and drive around town to give away team merchandise. I would make a shark-shaped boat and give away rides to season ticket holders.

Chris: Having not won a championship since the team's founding in 2001, a good incentive for the Riversharks to perform well would be to cover the losing team in chum after each game and let them swim through the Delaware River. Another solution would be to invite Ian Ziering to a game and let him walk around the Riversharks' clubhouse carrying his chainsaw from "Sharnado," assuming it is not already on display at the Smithsonian.

Joe: The Riversharks will need to recruit a higher caliber of player get this expansion franchise to championship level of play.

Brad: Maybe if they ate better before a game, they wouldn't eat the competition. Can't win a game if you eat all the opposing players.

Ralphie: The Riversharks are going to have to practice harder, recruit better, and really sink their teeth into the goal of winning.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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