Sports Briefs: If Donald Sterling was Scrooge

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: He’s not fond of coal, charities are afraid to approach him for donations, and his bed sheets are the only warmth he has. This makes Ebeneezer Scrooge the perfect choice to play Donald Sterling if there is ever a movie made about the Los Angeles Clippers. And likewise, the Clippers’ owner makes an ideal candidate to be carried over and through Los Angeles by four separate ghosts, one of whom looks like he could be on “Duck Dynasty.”

Joe: Donald Sterling is a self-made rich man just like ole' Ebeneezer and tight as the bark on a tree in operating the Clippers for over three decades.

Brad: Donald Sterling is very much like Scrooge by the way he treats and discriminates people. He is very mean to people, including his own players. He is known to discriminate against other races and less fortunate people.

Ralphie: Donald Sterling is similar to Scrooge because he just keeps making more and more and more money, but he's rude to his players.

Joe: Sterling has entrusted Doc Rivers with the keys to the Clippers’ success and as such would be considered “Scrooge’s nephew Fred."

Chris: Sterling forcing Vinny Del Negro on the team for three years was akin to Scrooge paying Bob Cratchit 15 shillings a week. This is, of course, assuming 15 shillings are the salary equivalent of a bag of pencil shavings. Hiring Rivers was Sterling’s way of doubling Cratchit’s salary. Therefore, this makes Chris Paul perfect for the role of Bob Cratchit. And given Blake Griffin’s acting abilities, he can probably be persuaded to accept the role of Mrs. Cratchit.

Brad: Cuttino Mobley would be Tiny Tim. He had his home vandalized at one point, and he ended up having a heart condition that ended his career.

Ralphie: The Ghost of Jacob Marley would be played by Jerry Buss, who will tell him that it's sometimes a bad thing to save too much money, and it's always a bad idea to treat people the wrong way.

Joe: Jerry Buss, deceased owner of the LA Lakers, helped Donald Sterling get into his first NBA franchise opportunity. Jerry had immediate success with the Lakers, and Donald had to wait many years for a winning team. Jerry's shadow (or ghost) looms over Donald Sterling in the City of Los Angeles and will until the Clippers win the NBA championship.

Chris: One of the great years in Los Angeles Clippers history was the 1992-1993 season, in which Coach Larry Brown led the team to the playoffs with a .500 record. Given the Clippers history, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a statue erected of Coach Brown outside the Staples Center, commemorating his one year with the team. Seeing as how Sterling paid Brown not with cash but by giving him coupons to local restaurants, Sterling may look back with regret for letting Brown go. If Coach Brown can be convinced to dance and wear a barrister wig, then he would make a great Fezziwig.

Brad: Doc Rivers can be the Ghost of Christmas Present. He can show Sterling how demeaning behavior could have negative consequences on the world around him and his team and businesses.

Ralphie: The Ghost of Christmas Future would be Bruce Jenner. He used to be a really big deal in sports, but my mom showed me a picture of him the other day. He looks gross now. He will warn Donald Sterling of what will happen to him if he messes up his sports career.

Joe: If Donald Sterling were to have a Scrooge experience, he would wake up and clean up his rental properties, give all employees a Christmas bonus, and win the NBA championship for the city.

Chris: I would hope that Sterling, upon waking up and realizing he was not dead, would refrain from attempting to stand on his head, inadvertently exposing himself to his housekeeper. This is also assuming Sterling would be wearing a 19th century nightdress.

Ralphie: When Donald Sterling wakes up on Christmas morning, he will stop having so many girlfriends, and he will start being nice to his players because he'll be scared of losing his career.

Brad: He would wake up and realize he can use his influence to do good things in the world. He could use his wealth and start sports programs for less fortunate youths. There are so many choices that he can make to help people and make the world a better place. And most of all, he could realize that he could treat people better and friendlier. Treat everyone like human beings.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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