Chris: It
is currently colder in Waco, Texas,
than it is in Sochi, Russia. I assume this makes Waco a frontrunner for the next available Winter Olympics,
especially considering that, compared to the rest of Russia,
Sochi is
essentially a giant Snuggie. Temperature aside, however, Sochi has introduced athletes from across the
globe to the sensation of golden tap water and toilets that don’t flush toilet
paper.
Brad: The Winter Olympics are special to me, not just because I get to see all the sports I like to watch, but also because it brings the entire world together to celebrate the accomplishments of athletes from around the world.
Joe:
I have watched the Winter Olympics as long as I can remember, from the US
Hockey Team defeating Russia
to the Basketball Dream Team I got to see in person in Atlanta. It brings winter sports to parts of
the US
that have never seen some of the events like the Luge, figure skating,
bobsledding, etc. It is culturally enriching to see all the countries come
together and compete, win/lose, and be awarded medals.
Ralphie: I
love the Winter Olympics because I like to watch the skiing competition. I hope
I can learn how to do those kinds of things one day.
Chris: New
England Patriots owner Bob Kraft ought to use the Olympics as an excuse to travel to Russia
and get his pilfered Super Bowl ring back from President Vladimir Putin, who
may or may not also answer to the name "Fearless Leader." Among all
the pre-Olympic problems, Frostbite Falls, Minn., has yet to formally protest Russia’s anti- “Moose
and Squirrel” policy. While nemeses of Russia may wind up as ingredients
in President Putin’s soup, they will apparently not be ingredients in the
recipe for the perfect Sochi 2014 Olympics.
Joe:
Russia
has a long and successful history in the Winter Olympics,
and therefore, many of their gold medal winners should be showcased to the world
in the opening ceremonies. Of course, Putin should be ever present to show how
safe the country has prepared the venue.
Chris: The
Olympic flame can only be lit by a national celebrity, someone who epitomizes
Russian ideals and exceptionalism. As long as there is not a minimum height
requirement, a staircase can easily be set up next to the flame's cauldron,
allowing Boris Badenov to light the flame.
Brad: I
would like to see Maksim Chmerkovskiy compete in a skiing event. I have seen
how he can move on the dance floor and lift his dance partners. I think it
would be interesting to see what he could do on a slolam course or a ski jump.
Ralphie: I
would love to watch the Winter Olympics while eating piroshkis filled with
apples.
Joe:
I would love to see Gracie Gold collect a lot of gold, along with Shaun White
and the Hockey Team.
Chris: Considering
that athletes staying in the Olympic Village cannot shower, cannot stand in a
shower and pretend it's working without being recorded on hidden cameras,
cannot drink water, cannot lock their doors and cannot go out dressed in a fur
coat without taking a chance on being mistaken for a dog and being shot, I'd
say that the Russians have tried everything possible to give their own athletes
the greatest home-country advantage of all time, even serving Sacramento
cheeseburgers in the Olympic Village cafeteria. The perfect Olympics would
include the Russians winning a total of zero bronze medals, zero silver medals
and one gold medal, which they would apparently then melt and release into
their water supply. So of the 98 events, I'll be rooting for the United States
to win 97 golds. I also encourage authorities not to confuse the polar bear,
hare and leopard for stray dogs and wind up gunning down the official Olympic
mascots.
Brad: I
think a close race shows better competition and sportsmanship than just a clean
sweep of everything.
Ralphie:
I'd like to see Erik Fisher on a Wheaties box.
Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
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