Sports Briefs: The Perfect 2014 Olympics

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: It is currently colder in Waco, Texas, than it is in Sochi, Russia. I assume this makes Waco a frontrunner for the next available Winter Olympics, especially considering that, compared to the rest of Russia, Sochi is essentially a giant Snuggie. Temperature aside, however, Sochi has introduced athletes from across the globe to the sensation of golden tap water and toilets that don’t flush toilet paper.

Brad: The Winter Olympics are special to me, not just because I get to see all the sports I like to watch, but also because it brings the entire world together to celebrate the accomplishments of athletes from around the world.

Joe: I have watched the Winter Olympics as long as I can remember, from the US Hockey Team defeating Russia to the Basketball Dream Team I got to see in person in Atlanta. It brings winter sports to parts of the US that have never seen some of the events like the Luge, figure skating, bobsledding, etc. It is culturally enriching to see all the countries come together and compete, win/lose, and be awarded medals.

Ralphie: I love the Winter Olympics because I like to watch the skiing competition. I hope I can learn how to do those kinds of things one day.

Chris: New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft ought to use the Olympics as an excuse to travel to Russia and get his pilfered Super Bowl ring back from President Vladimir Putin, who may or may not also answer to the name "Fearless Leader." Among all the pre-Olympic problems, Frostbite Falls, Minn., has yet to formally protest Russia’s anti- “Moose and Squirrel” policy. While nemeses of Russia may wind up as ingredients in President Putin’s soup, they will apparently not be ingredients in the recipe for the perfect Sochi 2014 Olympics.

Joe: Russia has a long and successful history in the Winter Olympics, and therefore, many of their gold medal winners should be showcased to the world in the opening ceremonies. Of course, Putin should be ever present to show how safe the country has prepared the venue.

Chris: The Olympic flame can only be lit by a national celebrity, someone who epitomizes Russian ideals and exceptionalism. As long as there is not a minimum height requirement, a staircase can easily be set up next to the flame's cauldron, allowing Boris Badenov to light the flame.

Brad: I would like to see Maksim Chmerkovskiy compete in a skiing event. I have seen how he can move on the dance floor and lift his dance partners. I think it would be interesting to see what he could do on a slolam course or a ski jump.

Ralphie: I would love to watch the Winter Olympics while eating piroshkis filled with apples.

Joe: I would love to see Gracie Gold collect a lot of gold, along with Shaun White and the Hockey Team.

Chris: Considering that athletes staying in the Olympic Village cannot shower, cannot stand in a shower and pretend it's working without being recorded on hidden cameras, cannot drink water, cannot lock their doors and cannot go out dressed in a fur coat without taking a chance on being mistaken for a dog and being shot, I'd say that the Russians have tried everything possible to give their own athletes the greatest home-country advantage of all time, even serving Sacramento cheeseburgers in the Olympic Village cafeteria. The perfect Olympics would include the Russians winning a total of zero bronze medals, zero silver medals and one gold medal, which they would apparently then melt and release into their water supply. So of the 98 events, I'll be rooting for the United States to win 97 golds. I also encourage authorities not to confuse the polar bear, hare and leopard for stray dogs and wind up gunning down the official Olympic mascots.

Brad: I think a close race shows better competition and sportsmanship than just a clean sweep of everything.

Ralphie: I'd like to see Erik Fisher on a Wheaties box.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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