Sports Briefs: The Muppets Casting

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: They are athletic, temperamental and abundantly hairy. A large collection of talent that oftentimes fails to coexist. The Muppets, however, always manage to put aside their egos, unlike countless sports teams each year. With a roster of over 1,000, one could say Kermit the Frog is a better leader of men (or Muppets) than any coach, quarterback or captain is for his respective team. Anyone who can convince Fozzie Bear or Gonzo the Great to sacrifice screen time for the good of the whole is a frontrunner for an ESPY Award and/or possibly supernatural.

Ralphie: The Muppets are similar to a sports team because there are all sorts of different characters on the team, and they all have different strengths and weaknesses. 
Joe: The Muppets team is much like the Bad News Bears, each unique and special in their own way. Sort of like the 1927 Yankees, all stars and very talented. 

Brad: The Muppets are similar to a sports team because they all usually work together to get something done.

Chris: Whereas the Muppets are usually casting themselves in different roles, what if athletes were forced, violently against their will if need be, into the roles of Muppets? As there is at both sporting events and Muppet performances, there is certain to be booing coming from two members of the Miracle Ear Contingent in the balcony.

Ralphie: Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson are Statler and Waldorf because they're grumpy old men who gripe about Auburn.

Brad: Michigan State’s Adreian Payne would play a great Sweetums because he is so loving and caring.

Chris: The lead singer of a rock band should be a flamboyant personality, and considering that Dr. Teeth had a golden incisor before they were considered to be a fad, I’d say the Electric Mayhem’s front man succeeded, alongside providing dental inspiration to LeBron James, Larry Johnson, Chris Johnson and countless other athletes. But it is another gold-toothed and even more exuberant Johnson who helms Dr. Teeth’s position. His stage name would be Ochocinco.

Joe: Rollie Fingers gets my nod as Floyd Pepper because his mustache is also legendary. 

Ralphie: Gabby Douglas is Janis because they both like music.

Brad: Hulk Hogan would play a good Zoot, because Zoot is just an old guy trying to hang with the younger ones.

Chris: If only Brian Wilson or one of the bearded Boston Red Sox players was a redhead. They could have been awarded the role of the Electric Mayhem’s drummer, Animal. If only Brian Scalabrine could be convinced to give up shaving, he may have had a chance for the part. But the best option would be going with an actual musician. And I don’t think it will take much convincing for Alexi Lalas to embrace the chance to be Animal.

Joe: Don Zimmer is my choice as Rowlf because he always reminded me of a short stocky bull dog.

Ralphie: Mike Trout is Sam the Eagle because they're both good and very predictable.

Brad: Dr. Bunsen Honeydew would be best played by Ben Roethlisberger because he is always getting hurt in some odd way, doing something odd.

Chris: Tyler Hansbrough has never offended me. He’s never been in any trouble. He works hard. He does the dirty work. And even if he may have a similar build and frame to the Muppet Labs assistant, Beaker, I don’t feel right speaking bad of Hansbrough, even though he has Beaker’s identical bug eyes and mouth. And I would say Hansbrough keeps his nose clean, but Beaker’s nose frequently fell off.

Joe: Only Bob Uecker could portray the Swedish Chef because of his humor and accent. 

Ralphie: Kevin Millar is Gonzo because they're both daredevils.

Brad: Fozzie would be best played by Charles Barkley because he can be humorous.

Chris: Whoever gets the role of Miss Piggy must be physically strong, somewhat attractive (at least to frogs, other pigs and Gonzo), and preferably have blond hair. Unfortunately, for all of Miss Piggy’s attributes, comparing a female athlete to a swine is not complimentary and would likely result in mass quantities of unpleasantries directed toward me. So one must be careful, eh? Upon careful study and deliberation, there is only one known female athlete capable of both romancing Kermie and being his bodyguard. She was a graceful athlete, though she behaved in an ungraceful manner. Upon retiring she decided to take up boxing, along with other activities deemed unmentionable by people who prefer clothes. She has blond hair, and she currently resembles Jack Black’s actual girlfriend (not the conceived one) in “Shallow Hal.” Is there a better choice for Miss Piggy than Tonya Harding?

Joe: Dick Vitale is my choice for Kermit the Frog because he gets so excited in basketball games that he almost croaks.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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