Sports Briefs: An Unselfish, Reverse 2014 NFL Draft Mockery

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: For all the time NFL scouts, coaches, general managers and owners spend analyzing, quizzing, interviewing and occasionally even watching potential draftees play football, everyone associated with the NFL comes across as selfish. What if the draftees were able to pick where they wanted to play? While it seems like a good idea, this may catapult into the "great idea" category, considering Johnny Manziel would have chartered a bus for a months-long, cross-country tour, beginning halfway through the college football season, visiting every city he fancied living in, eliminating them as he went, "The Bachelor" style, culminating on draft day by handing a rose to his favorite city.

Brad: One thing they should look for is a city with a good variety of restaurants and a team with colors that match their eyes or hair color. Nothing worse than colors clashing on the field, especially if you're hungry because there's no good place to eat. They should also look for a good team name. Who wants to be a Possum when they could be a Thunder Cat?

Joe: I live near Atlanta, so I will tell the NFL Atlanta Falcon draftees what to look for in Atlanta. First, owner Arthur Blank is a great owner and has maxed out the salary cap every year - so he won't skimp on your contract. The Falcons staff and front office are first class. Atlanta is a very multi-cultural city with many things to offer, beaches are not too far, the mountains are not too far, many concerts, theater, there are pro sports teams in baseball, basketball, and soccer is coming. The Atlanta airport is the busiest in the world and offers flights anywhere everyday. Falcon fans are generally good and knowledgeable, but are starving for a playoff win - at least. The Falcons training camp facilities at Flowery Branch are near Lake Lanier, which provides great living and water sports. There is not much to not like about Atlanta - oh wait, I forgot about the traffic - it is bad during rush hours - really bad.

Brad: Carlos Hyde should be drafted by the Cleveland Browns, because he is already used to Ohio winters.

Chris: Ha Ha Clinton-Dix should be drafted by the Atlanta Falcons. Not only would the Alabama safety stay close to home, but Atlanta would provide Ha Ha the opportunity to do what is was born to do . . . perform at The Punchline, one of the top comedy clubs in the country.

Joe: Taylor Lewan would be a great fit late in the first round to the Panthers. Carolina needs a good OT, and Lewan is the third best in the draft.

Brad: Odell Beckham should be drafted by the Raiders, because California is a good place to be a Beckham.

Chris: Sammy Watkins should be drafted by the Buffalo Bills, since they were his favorite team growing up. And since Watkins grew up in Florida and liked the Bills solely because of their uniform colors, it would behoove the Bills to not change anything about their uniforms until Watkins retires.

Joe: Mike Evans should be drafted by the Detroit Lions, if he makes it that far down the draft to No. 10. If not, Tampa may jump on him at No. 7. He will be a great pro WR and should provide early help to any team that drafts him.

Brad: CJ Mosley should be drafted by the Pittsburgh Steelers, because that's where CJ’s rock the Black and Gold.

Chris: Khalil Mack should be drafted by the Chicago Bears. Since Oak Brook, Ill., is the headquarters of McDonald’s, it would not take long before Khalil found himself wearing a red wig and a clown’s nose, hobnobbing with Mayor McCheese.

Joe: Derek Carr should be drafted in the first round. Minnesota would be a great spot for him. They need a QB, and he would fit nicely.

Brad: Teddy Bridgewater should be drafted by the Bears, because he has the required first name.

Chris: Johnny Manziel should be drafted by the Houston Texans. After complaining about living in College Station, Texas, developing a twitch that causes him to rub his thumbs and fingers together as if asking for money and frequently behaving in a way that would cause Sheriff Taylor to lock him in a jail cell next to Otis Campbell, Manziel would be a great fit for the Texans . . . who have the 256th and final pick in the draft, simultaneously allowing Manziel to replace his “Johnny Football” nickname with “Mr. Irrelevant.”

Joe: Jadeveon Clowney should be drafted by Houston. Why? Because they have the first pick, and he is clearly the best player in the draft on paper. He is a once in decade type athlete, and pass-rushing off the edge is always in high demand. I know Houston has the great J.J. Watt on one end and really need a quarterback, but getting Clowney and then a QB in the second round would be a great draft.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
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