Sports Briefs: 2014 NBA Finals Media Day

(The Gab Four didn't attend Media Day at the 2014 NBA Finals, mainly because there was no Media Day. But had there been, here is what they would have liked to ask members of the San Antonio Spurs and Miami Heat . . . Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Joe: I'd like to ask the Spurs team if they really think they have a chance of beating LeBron.

Chris: I’d like to ask LeBron James, if he were marooned on an island like Tom Hanks in “Cast Away,” would he name and befriend his headband, eventually forging a lifelong kinship with it.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Spurs if their next strategy will involve super air conditioning, since they just tried no AC.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Lebron James is he's prepared for the defense the Spurs will put up against him.

Joe: I'd like to ask LeBron how exciting this final is compared to his first.

Chris: I’d like to ask Chris Bosh if he has altogether abandoned posting up, instead preferring to hover around the 3-point line, hoping to one day get invited to participate in the 3-point contest.

Brad: I'd like to ask LeBron James if he has tried Midol for his cramps, or does he just alternate Heat and cold!

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Tony Parker what the Spurs bring to the table to help them defeat the Heat this year.

Joe: I'd like to ask the coaches to predict the outcome with a bet of their salary on it.

Chris: I’d like to ask Chris Andersen if he communicates with his headband, and if his headband and LeBron’s headband are aware of each other’s existence.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Heat mascot, Burnie, if he plans on skydiving again or if it was a one time thing.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Deayne Wade if he and his teammates made fun of Barack Obama last year when he congratulated the "Miami Heats" on their win.

Joe: I'd like to ask the mascots which one could out-dunk the other.

Chris: I’d like to ask Gregg Popovich, either during a sideline interview between the third and fourth quarter of a close game or during a postgame media session, what his favorite color is.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Spurs mascot, The Coyote, how he feels about laser eye surgery, and if he will let the cameraman take care of all his eye-related needs from now on.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Kawhi Leonard how big his hands are.

Joe: I'd like to ask the cheerleaders which team has the best looking cheerleaders.

Chris: I’d like to ask LeBron James, considering the Cavaliers averaged 64 wins his last two years in Cleveland and the Heat averaged 62 wins his first two full seasons in Miami, why he was never able to win a championship in Cleveland.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Heat cheerleaders if they attended Burnie's b-day bash in uniform.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Lebron James if HE thinks he's the greatest basketball player ever.

Joe: I'd like to ask the players which team has the best looking cheerleaders.

Chris: I’d like to ask Patty Mills if he has ever done any research into what it would take in order for him to be formally recognized as a saint.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Spurs cheerleaders if they hang out with The Coyote often or just at games.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Tony Parker if he thinks his ankle injury will affect his play or not.

Joe: I'd like to ask the players if the outcome would be the same if the entire series were played on a neutral court.

Chris: I’d like to ask Coach Popovich if he would refer to Patty Mills as “Saint Patty” if he were canonized.

Brad: I'd like to ask Tim Duncan if he plans on playing alongside his grandkids, or if he will retire to the sidelines and try coaching.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask the Spurs how they feel about the media thinking of them as boring.

Joe: I'd like to ask the owners how much money the playoffs make for them.

Chris: I’d like to ask Aron Baynes what he does to warm up before a game and use air quotes around the words “warm up,” implying the virtual non-necessity of doing anything other than cheering and clapping during a game.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Heat if they feel DeAndre Daniels will stand the heat of the draft and land in their court.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask the Spurs if they get nervous facing an awesome player like Lebron James.

Joe: I'd like to ask the owners for a guest ticket to one of their home games.

Chris: I’d like to ask Mario Chalmers if his teammates have ever forced him to wear blue overalls or an oversized red hat with an “M” on the front.

Brad: I'd like to ask the Spurs if they shop for shoes like they shop for players. It's Friday, we'd like to try on a Cleanthony Early in a size 14, a Glenn Robinson III in a size 16 and maybe an Isaiah Austin in a size 19.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask both teams if there's more at stake with this ball game since it's a rematch.

Joe: I'd like to ask the coaches if I could sit in on their halftime talk of the seventh game.

Chris: I’d like to ask Tony Parker and Boris Diaw how often they wear berets in public.

Brad: I'd like to ask Tony Parker if he would enjoy being teammates with Kevin Love, despite his lack of luck with love.

Ralphie: I'd like to ask Lebron James to pick me up and let me slam dunk the basketball.


Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
https://twitter.com/mybriefs

http://www.spoonsyogurt.com/

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