Sports Briefs: A Beverage for Every Country's World Cup

(As national teams from 32 countries head to Brazil for the 2014 FIFA World Cup, the Gab Four wondered if the World Cup trophy was actually a cup, what beverage would be most suitable for each country to guzzle. Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Joe: I would pour Mountain Dew into Algeria's World Cup because Algeria will fall from the tournament like the dew will fall from Mount Tahat - the tallest mountain in Algeria. Algeria does not have chance of winning it all.

Chris: I would pour milk into Argentina’s World Cup because “Messi” is an apt way to describe someone who has a milk mustache, wouldn’t you agree?

Brad: I would pour root beer into Australia's World Cup because root beer's Australian for soda.

Ralphie: I would pour Dr. Pepper into Belgium's World Cup because the poor people who live there can't get Dr. Pepper very easily, and it's the best soft drink ever.

Joe: I would pour cranberry juice into Bosnia-Herzegovina's World Cup because their losses will be just as unfair as the song sung by the Cranberries, "Bosnia." Life is unfair, and Bosnia-Herzegovina's losses will be unfair in this tournament.

Chris: I would pour lemonade into Brazil’s World Cup because, not only would no one notice the stains in their uniforms if they were to spill it on themselves, but a lemony smell would help mask each player's body odor after a match.

Brad: I would pour Sprite into Cameroon's World Cup because the cans match their uniforms.

Ralphie: I would pour a Slurpie into Chile's World Cup because the quillaia extract that most soft drinks - including the Slurpie - use as a foaming agent comes from Chile.

Joe: I would pour strong Colombian coffee into Colombia's World Cup because they will need it to wake them up after being knocked out early in the tournament.

Chris: I would pour V8 into Costa Rica’s World Cup because, for a country that produces so many vegetables, drinking eight a day would be significantly easier than eating eight a day.

Brad: I would pour Kool-Aid into Croatia's World Cup because there was no Gatorade left.

Ralphie: I would pour cream soda into Ecuador's World Cup because that's one of two places where Inca Kola is bottled, and it's a lot like cream soda.

Joe: I would pour Twinning's Green Tea into England's World Cup because the tournament will be great for the British economy, as their team will go deep into the tournament and generate an economic surge for the Brits.

Chris: I would pour Pepsi into France’s World Cup because a drink from a blue can would be more preferable for Les Bleus than liquefying a Smurf.

Brad: I would pour chocolate milk into Germany's World Cup because chocolate milk cheers anyone up after a loss.

Ralphie: I would pour grapefruit juice in Ghana's World Cup because they keep trying to get rid of it by exporting it out. They should have to keep some of it in Ghana.

Joe: I would pour Naked Juice into Greece's World Cup because they will be stripped naked in this tournament by losing early and often.

Chris: I would pour a fruit smoothie into Honduras’ World Cup because if this fruit-producing country does not export or eat all of their produce quickly, their national team may run the risk of being carried away by giant gnats.

Brad: I would pour apple juice into Iran's World Cup because they need all the nutrients they can get.

Ralphie: I would pour grape juice in Italy's World Cup so they could make more wine.

Joe: I would pour orange juice into the Ivory Coast World Cup to give them replacement vitamins, as they will play very hard for several games but will not have the zest to complete the challenge.

Chris: I would pour Hawaiian Punch into Japan’s World Cup because, as their mascot Punchy would say, “Nothing would be a better World War II history lesson than a nice Hawaiian Punch.”

Brad: I would pour water into Mexico's World Cup because water is available everywhere.

Ralphie: I would pour Orange Crush into the Netherlands' World Cup because they could throw it on each other if they win, and it would just blend in with their uniforms.

Joe: I would pour 7UP into the Nigerian World Cup, as this is a major manufacturing item in Nigeria and local favorite. They will need an ample supply to energize their team after a couple of victories and then sadly a couple of losses.

Chris: I would pour Gatorade into Portugal’s World Cup because, as an endorser of the beverage, Cristiano Ronaldo is contractually obligated to drink Gatorade and is liable to issue a summons to any person or persons pouring any other liquid into his chalice.

Brad: I would pour ginger ale into Russia's World Cup because they're always grumpy like they have upset stomachs.

Ralphie: I would pour Big Red into South Korea's World Cup because I think it was named after them.

Joe: I would pour Red Bull into Spain's World Cup early and often, as this team will go deep into the tournament and require several energy boosts. Look out for the running of the Red Bull through the World Cup . . .

Chris: I would pour hot chocolate in Switzerland’s World Cup because, in a country renowned for its chocolate, they have most likely never tasted the American-owned Swiss Miss cocoa powder with dehydrated mini marshmallows.

Brad: I would pour Coca-Cola into the United States' World Cup because nothing says USA like a nice cold Coke!

Ralphie: I would pour a milkshake into Uruguay's World Cup because it's almost impossible to find milkshakes in Uruguay, and everybody should get to enjoy milkshakes.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
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