Sports Briefs: Luis Suarez Bites!

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Chris: My wife knows Luis Suarez and is happy he will be playing for Barcelona this season. She will not miss hearing his name emphatically shouted by British announcers every Sunday morning during the Premier League season. This is because “Suarez!” is the only name she hears mentioned during the game on NBC Sports Network upon awakening, throughout breakfast, getting dressed and up until we leave for church. And if Liverpool is actually playing, the only way “Suarez!” could be mentioned more would be if clones of him comprised all 22 players for both teams. “Is Suarez a good player or something? They say his name all the time.” I can assuredly claim if there was a petition for Barcelona’s La Liga games to be broadcast on NBCSN, my wife would not sign it.

Ralphie: I would be really upset if he ended up on my favorite team, and I'd never cheer for him.

Joe: If Suarez was traded to my favorite team, I would be disappointed in my team's management. He should be watched very carefully, and any further unacceptable behavior should be addressed in his contract as grounds for dismissal.

Chris: After Suarez was caught in the World Cup biting an opponent for the third time in his career, I can only hope that his excuse – "I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment I hit my face against the player, leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth” – was the result of a game of telephone between reporters, all of whom happened to be in junior high school.

Ralphie: His excuse is ridiculous. He behaved like a kid and then made it worse by lying about it.

Joe: I think Luis Suarez's account of the incident was very weak and a poor excuse.

Ralphie: I think that's unsportsmanlike conduct, and he should not have done it.

Chris: FIFA could have rationalized the four-month suspension and fine and better related to Suarez by explaining how they were forced to take a bite out of his season, and all money collected from his fine will go to provide dental insurance to cover any procedures to alleviate tooth pain.

Ralphie: The punishment is too lenient. I think he should be kicked off the team. He's behaving like a kid.

Joe: Luis Suarez should be traded to the Transylvania Vampires or fined and suspended for a couple of games. I think his suspension was a little strong, but it sends a great message.

Chris: Having only been bitten a couple of times by my sister when she was a baby and by various uncaring mosquitoes and ants, I cannot testify as to what it’s like having a grown Uruguayan male football player bite me. I responded to my sister’s bites by hitting her, which can be considered humane when compared to taking the lives of the offending insects. The one yellow jacket who bit me was violently bludgeoned to death.

Ralphie: Biting an opponent is the worst thing you can do.

Joe: I think the worst biting is really bad, but a deliberate kick to the groin would be worse.

Chris: Considering this is Suarez’s third offence, I tend to place the blame on his previous coaches or team owners. Pet owners would be required to place an Elizabethan collar on their dog. Barcelona should fashion scarlet and blue cones for Suarez to wear around his neck during games. They would prevent future attacks, and official replicas could boost sales in the team store.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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