Sports Briefs: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Casting

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: Along with receiving a trophy and gaudy rings for winning the NBA championship, the San Antonio Spurs may be the only NBA team who can be favorably compared to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both groups consist of individuals working as one collective team. Their strengths compliment each other, and they also compensate for each others’ weaknesses. The turtles are green, and the Spurs have Danny Green. And both groups are coached by a giant rat.

Joe: The Ninja Turtles are similar to a pro sports team in that they are a collection of very different individuals that possess different skills. They work together and help each other.

Brad: The Turtles are similar to a sports team because they work with each other and they all do something different, like playing a position on a team, and they use all their different moves together for a common purpose, just like scoring.

Ralphie: The Ninja Turtles are like a sports team because they use teamwork.

Joe: Leonardo is the leader of the group, and he is best compared to Derek Jeter - Captain.

Chris: Give Peyton Manning a blue mask, two swords and cover him in green paint, and he would be indistinguishable from Leonardo. Likewise, give Leonardo a No. 18 Broncos jersey, a football and cover him in peach paint, and he would randomly start shouting, “Omaha!”

Brad: Leonardo definitely would be played by Tom Brady. Brady can rally his team together and lead them to victory.

Ralphie: Chipper Jones would be Leonardo because he is a real leader and leads by example.

Chris: As the group’s intellectual, Donatello would best be played by an athlete known for his smarts and preferably one who is comfortable wearing purple. A Stanford University graduate, ex-Laker Mark Madsen, is the obvious choice, which is likely to upset another Stanford graduate, Richard Sherman. “I’m the best Donatello in the game! When you try me with a sorry Donatello like Madsen, that’s the result you’re gonna get!”

Joe: Donatello - the smart one of the group and has a crush on a certain lady. He reminds me of Juan Gonzalez.

Brad: Craig Breslow could play Donatello because he is super smart and very well educated, but still knows how to be a team player.

Ralphie: Ross Ohlendorf would be Donatello because he graduated from Princeton with a degree in financial engineering and created a system for the MLB to use when determining who they should draft.

Chris: Raphael may be quick-tempered and eager to brandish his sais. Depending on which sport Raphael played, his violence would have been met with varying degrees of punishment. Had he been a snapping turtle, he would have received a six-month ban in soccer; had he been a gun-toting turtle, he would have received a 50-game suspension in the NBA; or had he been a wife-beating turtle, he would have received a two-game suspension in the NFL and allowed to keep his job as the starting running back for the Baltimore Ravens.

Brad: Ron Artest would be the perfect Raphael. He's a bad boy at heart who knows how to throw a punch but also knows when to be a team player.

Joe: Raphael is sort of a troublemaker and hothead. His best example would be Bryce Harper.

Ralphie: Jose Fernandez would be Raphael because even though he's a good player, he has a hard time controlling his emotions and showing respect.

Chris: He already is a party animal. He already wears orange. He may or may not have “Cowabunga” tattooed on some private part of his body. And since “Favorite type of pizza?” is most likely a question asked by NFL scouts before drafting a player, if any Cleveland Browns scout can certify that Johnny Manziel likes pepperoni and anchovies, that would confirm that he and Michelangelo are blood-brothers. This would also mean that "Manzielangelo" is now cold-blooded.

Brad: Dennis Rodman would be a great Michelangelo because he was always loud and bold and doing something outrageous, making people laugh.

Ralphie: Ryan Dempster would be Michelangelo because he's clever and likes to prank people.

Joe: Michelangelo is best likened to Greg Maddux because he could paint the corners.

Chris: I want to apologize to Coach Popovich for calling him a giant rat. It was in the utmost respect that I compared him to Splinter. Nick Saban is an oversized rodent. So is Bill Belichick.

Ralphie: Gus Malzahn would be the wise mentor Splinter.

Joe: Splinter is best represented by Braves former coach Bobby Cox.

Brad: John Madden would definitely be the best person to play Splinter. He was a great player til he got injured and then went on to be one of the best coaches, which is what Splinter does. He coaches his turtles to be the best they can be.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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