It Better Be at Night Football

(By Chris, Editor in Chief of and the adult writer of the Gab Four, with guest columnist Count Dracula. Originally published Oct. 31, 2003, sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

I am . . . Dracula . . . I bid you welcome.

It may come as a surprise to some of you . . . but I have been a fan of the NFL for a long time . . . a VERY long time. Though I wasn’t in the stands for the first Super Bowl . . . it was played at a time . . . when I couldn’t go.

I was there for the first NFL game played . . . at night. The Chicago Cardinals defeated the Providence Steam Rollers, 16-0, on Nov. 6, 1929. Those were in the days . . . when players didn’t wear . . . much protection.

Slowly but surely, the NFL began playing more games at night. “Monday Night Football” was a brilliant idea. Commissioner Pete Rozelle created it . . . and I was there for the first game, played Sept. 21, 1970, at Cleveland between the Browns and the Jets.

For one who has lived but one lifetime, Mr. Rozelle was a wise man. He is gone, though, dying in 1996. To die . . . to be REALLY dead. That must be GLORIOUS. As any Vikings or Bills fan can attest to . . . there are far worse things . . . waiting man . . . than death.

“Sunday Night Football” has been a delight, as well. But if there is one thing . . . that I do not like . . . almost as much as I dislike mirrors . . . it is the games played on Sunday afternoons. That happens to be during my naptime. Van Helsing . . . will explain.

But oh, what a time I have . . . cruising the country . . . attending games held during primetime. I dislike flying . . . in an airplane. So, in a fashion similar to John Madden, I travel around the country with three boxes.

One of my most enjoyable activities during games is halftime. When the bands come out to play. Listen to them. Children of the night. What music THEY make!

There are not many bands left in the NFL, though. For most people . . .  halftime is spent . . . going to the concession stand . . . for food. Personally, I do not care for the food served at NFL stadiums . . . they serve too many delicacies these days, always covered . . . in garlic.

But by far, the most delightful part of the games . . . is the physical contact on the field. Football . . . is a very violent sport . . . blood is often shed . . . I cannot take seeing a bleeding player lying on the field . . . and not being able to do anything . . . to help.

Though I am currently waiting to hear back from the NFL . . . I have sent in my application two places . . . applying for jobs . . . one as an EMT . . . I hear people who work in hospitals . . . share some very grim tales. I’m sure working there would remind me of my days spent . . . in my own castle . . . in Transylvania.

The other job . . . is something I would be very pleased with . . . and is sure to be open before long . . . I could have access to players, access to the field, and access to the locker rooms . . . and Lisa Guerrero is the only one who stands in my way of becoming a sideline reporter for “Monday Night Football.”

I would DIE for that job . . .

Chris is a Waco, Texas, resident, Editor in Chief of, author of the book "Sports Briefs" and the adult writer for the Gab Four. Read more of Chris' solo columns here.

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