Down on the Kaska Family Farm

(By Chris, Editor in Chief of and the adult writer of the Gab Four. Originally published Oct. 23, 2008, sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

If haunted houses were Olympic sports, then the Kaska Family Farm in West, Texas, is the decathlon.

The farm is relatively easy to find driving north from Waco at night. Astronauts, especially, should have a simple time, seeing as how one must use stars and planetary bodies to locate the farm, because there are no road signs in towns north of Waco.

Using directions provided on the Kaska's website may have been a good strategy, though not allowing my wife to enjoy the experience of getting lost with a near-sighted driver would have disqualified us from future decathlon competitions.

Upon finding the farm, however, one realizes that a horse would have been the ideal mode of transportation. As malapropos (I just said "malapropos") as it would have been to arrive at Katrina Van Tassel's party in a Toyota hybrid, I began hoping that none of the other farm-goers were dressed in wigs and wearing waistcoats and breeches.

The farm is at least a good day's journey on horseback to the nearest Wal-Mart or smog cloud, thereby making it an ideal diversion from said entities.

Giant bails of hay adorned the entrance to the farm, beyond which were a pumpkin patch, corn shooting gallery, duck race tracks, a giant corn maze, a haunted corn maze and presumably the 1919
Chicago White Sox.

Despite a bevy of activities, silence covered the farm, which was only interrupted by shrieks from my wife, as she was repeatedly terrified by a giant strobe light in the haunted corn maze.

"There are people in there that will scare us!" she warned, as I assured her that should the Headless Horseman be among the White Sox, there was not enough light for him to see to decapitate us.

(This seemed to calm her nerves, though I did not tell her the Headless Horseman probably did not rely on his vision, seeing as how his head was missing.)

My wife and I walked through the haunted corn maze, coming out on the other side bloody, with claw marks in my arm, though my wife did somewhat apologize for embedding her nails into my bicep.

The owners of the farm, Richard and Toni Kaska, opened their farm to the public in 2007, highlighted by a six-acre corn maze, home to many forks in the path and herds of rabbits (some of which grow up to 7 feet tall).

In fact, my wife and I were on pace to break the record time of 14:29 to make it through the maze, before we tripped over a set of hurdles that had been placed in our path by a couple of the teenage hares.

After relishing in our conquest of both mazes, we enjoyed a triumphant victory lap of the farm on a hayride on a tractor-pulled trailer, driven by Kevin Costner.

Unlike the Olympics the Kaskas open their farm each weekend during the fall, though there is an Olympic flame in the middle of the farm, used by decathletes to warm themselves and make s'mores.

Thankfully, I won the gold medal, having outlasted the Headless Horseman and a team of bunnies in the Autumn Olympics. I beat them all by a hair.

Chris is a Waco, Texas, resident, Editor in Chief of, author of the book "Sports Briefs" and the adult writer for the Gab Four. Read more of Chris' solo columns here.

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