Sports Briefs: U2's Songs of Innocence Sports Headlines

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: If the growing fad of texting is contributing to either the downfall of civilization or society’s inability to spell, I hope that referring to the band U2 as “You Too” will demonstrate my willingness to follow “The Associated Press Stylebook” and display a lack of necessity to use Spell Check in this opening paragraf. I may not feel innocent pilfering “You Too’s” compositions to use as headlines for already-finished columns. But pilfering song titles from “Songs of Innocence” and determining what sports story best coincides with them demonstrates extraordinary wherewithal, which will be my defense should I be issued a court summons.

Brad: The New York Rangers’ Rick Nash didn't have time to say goodbye, as he left the game to be there at the moment “The Miracle” occurred, when his wife gave birth to their first child.

Chris: Pepperdine’s mascot problems are an embarrassment to the university. Since proclaiming their nickname to be the Waves in 1937, mascot costume companies have been avoiding Pepperdine’s phone calls. “Why can’t that school be the Tigers or Eagles?” has been a question asked by every designer assigned to develop a costume for a Wave. Pepperdine has been through approximately 108 mascots before settling on Willie the Wave in 2006. “Every Breaking Wave” includes Roland the Wave, Joe the Pelican, King Neptune and a jug of water.

Joe: Things have not gone according to script for the Alabama Crimson Tide thus far this season. Alabama's preseason Heisman hopeful, Jacob Coker, has been beaten out by senior Blake Sims. Sims has shown flashes of good passing and running but not the winning leadership normally expected by Saban. Field goal kicking has continued to be a source of concern, while a broken leg for Kenyan Drake has seriously hampered the running game. Alabama's defense is good but not yet living up to Coach Saban's expectations. This season is shaping up to be a real test for Alabama fans, as the team could lose one or two more conference games and be out of the SEC West lead. Fans are getting restless, but will this season test the love affair with Saban? As the song "California" suggests: "there is no end to love" will be tested this year by the Crimson faithful. Will they still love him if they don't make the four-team playoff?

Ralphie: A former high school football coach wrote and dedicated a song to a state's favorite college football coach, reminding him that no team can stay on top forever. He called it "Song for Someone."

Brad: As Cardinals manager Mike Matheny and another trainer helped him off the field after hurting his side, Yadier Molina kept repeating, "Iris, Hold Me Close,” “Hold me close and don't let me go," because he was worried he would fall over.

Chris: Any after-school special or feature article in the Sunday newspaper about Roy Keane more than likely includes the word “Volcano” in the title. I will present my case by alerting readers to the fact that both the former Manchester United captain/current Aston Villa assistant manager and volcanoes: 1) give off warning signs of either emitting gray smoke or growing a long, fluffy, gray beard prior to eruption, 2) spew forth material that causes those in its path to run for cover, including villagers, townspeople, Sir Alex Ferguson, Jose Mourinho and probably Mrs. Roy Keane and 3) can only be appeased by throwing a sacrificial offering or a donut into its mouth.

Joe: Auburn football coach Gus Malzahn is frequently referred to as a wolf because of his cunning and intensity on the sidelines. Coach Malzahn was truly "Raised by the Wolves," because his first college coaching job was for the Arkansas State Red Wolves.

Ralphie: One stormy October night, a Georgia fan cried while looking at his autographed picture of Todd Gurley, wishing he hadn't purchased it from his favorite player that night on "Cedarwood Road."

Brad: Kevin Durant will "Sleep Like a Baby Tonight" once he decides whether to have surgery on his fractured foot.

Chris: After receiving a kayak, cowboy boots, a basket of crabs and many other personalized retirement gifts that he will be unable to return for store credit anywhere, Derek Jeter emptied out his Yankee Stadium locker and most likely handed the team's public relations director a picture of either a beach, an island or a senior center with the words "This is Where You Can Reach Me Now" scribbled on it.

Joe: With the SEC East facing difficulties on all fronts, it is difficult to see if the winner will even be a top 10 team by the end of the season. With MO losing to Indiana; South Carolina already with three losses; Florida with a loss, barely slipping by KY, suspending their rising QB for conduct charges, and a mad LSU team coming to town; Georgia losing to SC for not running Gurley enough and now Gurley is suspended indefinitely; oh my my, "The Troubles" are brewing in the SEC East.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
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