(By Chris, Editor in Chief of MyBriefs.com and the adult writer of the Gab Four, sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)
How does one keep a werewolf from howling?
Assuming either calmly asking him to hush or physically taping his mouth shut is out of the question, the next best option may be to offer him a package of Big League Chew.
I've never personally tried howling while having a mouth full of gum, but I would imagine the task to be akin to whistling after eating crackers or going swimming less than 30 minutes after dining at Golden Corral.
Nevertheless, when it comes to providing salivary pleasure during a baseball game, Big League Chew seems to have cornered the market for abnormal athletes.
Though their specific teams or leagues are not mentioned, Big League Chew signed both a werewolf and a mummy to endorsement deals to promote their limited edition Halloween pouches in 2011. This year, as in previous years, the werewolf is featured on an orange package of "Howlin' Original," while the mummy is shown on a purple package of "Gruesome Original."
It is worth noting that the werewolf is heroically attempting to either pitch or field without the aide of a glove. And after noticing the size of his fingernails and how difficult it would be to play baseball with that deformity, I don't think there should be any question that this werewolf is a hero.
I also cannot imagine how awkward it was for the person who transformed into this creature. He was most likely playing in a rec league, standing in the field and anxiously watching the time and hoping the game would end before dark. Unfortunately, he could not get home before the full moon rose, completing his metamorphosis before he could even change out of his uniform. The only consolation would be if his teammates were used to it, even preferring the werewolf's athletic abilities (remember, Teen Wolf was a good basketball player) . . . or they may have all been scared out of their minds and fled the ballpark, leaving the werewolf no one to pitch to except a mummy.
Although the mummy is batting without the use of either a batting helmet or batting gloves, he is wrapped from head to toe and not having to endure near the amount of physical pain as the werewolf. Therefore, I can't bestow the title of "hero" on the bandaged one, as he is also clearly using performance-enhancing drugs, since he is probably no less than 2,000 years old.
Big League Chew aficionados will notice that the mummy's tastes in gum have changed, preferring "Gruesome Grape" in previous years, which confirms the theory that when people age, their sense of taste alters.
The back of the packages include a two-paragraph history of the gum, which states it is "the fun gum that keeps your mouth from getting dry when the game is on the line." This is especially good news for mummies, who have notoriously dry and dusty mouths.
While Big League Chew is ideal for blowing bubbles, this is an activity the werewolf should abstain from. Knowing how difficult and painful it is to get out of hair, having a snout covered in gum from a popped bubble would cause anyone to howl.
Chris is a Waco, Texas, resident, Editor in Chief of MyBriefs.com, author of the book "Sports Briefs" and the adult writer for the Gab Four. Read more of Chris' solo columns here.