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Joe: The best thing about the Arizona Diamondbacks is the fact that they are the franchise with the distinction of becoming the fastest expansion team in the major leagues to win a championship, doing it in only the fourth season since the franchise's inception in the 1998 Major League Baseball season. The worst thing about the Diamondbacks is of all the Major League Baseball team names, my least favorite is the Arizona Diamondbacks. Just the thought of rattlesnakes makes me shiver.
Chris: The best thing about the Atlanta Braves is their foam tomahawks, which, when put in action by a stadium full of fans, gives the impression of wanting to hurt someone without actually having the capability of doing it. The worst thing about the Braves is not having a foam tomahawk giveaway day since 2013, causing fans to have to use a magnetic schedule as a substitute chopping mechanism.
Brad: The best thing about the Baltimore Orioles for this upcoming season is that their third baseman, Manny Machado, is healthy, and a healthy Machado can easily put up a decent batting average in the .270-.275 range, not to mention he’s a vacuum on the hot corner; definite Gold Glove talent. The worst thing about the Orioles is that they lost Nelson Cruz, who led the league in home runs last year, to the Mariners.
Ralphie: The best thing about the Boston Red Sox is the Green Monster. The worst thing about the Red Sox is that their stadium is old-fashioned.
Joe: The best thing about the Chicago Cubs is the legend of the goat and the fact that the Cubs have not won the World Series in 106 years, the longest championship drought of any major North American professional sports team. They are often referred to as the "Lovable Losers" because of this distinction. I also love the ivy-covered walls, bleacher bum seating on rooftops and great fan support. Ah, the Chicago Cubs! Everyone’s favorite team to pick on. The worst thing about the Cubbies is the fact that they have not won the World Series in 106 years. The fans deserve better, and now with Joe Maddon at the helm, the fans have a much better shot.
Chris: The best thing about the Chicago White Sox are their Comiskey Dogs - Chicago-style hot dogs with mustard, relish, onions, tomatoes and peppers - which are priced for more than Charles Comiskey ever made in his life. The worst thing about the White Sox is that not only are their socks black when they’re supposed to be white, but so is the mayonnaise served in the stadium.
Brad: The best thing about the Cincinnati Reds is being able to enjoy Billy Hamilton’s speed on the base paths; not much is more exciting than watching someone with that kind of speed. The worst thing about the Reds is . . . well . . . their name, I mean what’s more boring than the “Reds”? WHERE’S THE CREATIVITY?!
Ralphie: The best thing about the Cleveland Indians is their choice of players. The worst thing about the Indians are their jerseys.
Joe: The best thing about the Colorado Rockies is they have the distinction of playing in the highest altitude ballpark of the major leagues. The thin air encourages the long ball and makes pitchers’ ERA's soar. High-scoring games are the norm at Coors Field, so late rallies are very common. The worst thing about the Rockies was hitting an all-time low in the '07 World Series, while being swept by the Red Sox in four games.
Chris: The best thing about the Detroit Tigers is their insistence on having a live, 15-foot-tall tiger at the entrance to their stadium, creating a somewhat intimidating atmosphere. The worst thing about the Tigers is apparently having let said tiger make eye-contact with Medusa.
Brad: The best thing about the Houston Astros is they have a good nucleus of up and coming talent, which includes guys like Dallas Kaeuchel, George Springer, and arguably the best second baseman in the league . . . and shortest player, Jose Altuve (well, that’s not very arguable; I mean, look at him). The worst thing about the Astros is they are stuck in the American League West division, which includes the Los Angeles Angels and the Seattle Mariners, who both seem poised for a World Series run.
Ralphie: The best thing about the Kansas City Royals is their coaching staff. The worst thing about the Royals is their players' attitude.
Joe: The best thing about the Los Angeles Angels is having drawn 3 million plus fans to the stadium for 12 years straight, and at least 2 million for 17 seasons. This is second only to the Yankees. The worst thing about the Angels is they underachieved with an all-star roster, including Albert Pujols, Josh Hamilton, Mike Trout and World Series hero David Freese.
Chris: The best thing about the Los Angeles Dodgers is their radio announcer, Vin Scully, who has been with the team since they were located in Brooklyn. The worst thing about the Dodgers is, in his 66 years on the job, never pairing Scully with a broadcast booth partner whose last name was Mulder.
Brad: The best thing about the Miami Marlins is two words long and is worth over $300 million: Giancarlo Stanton. With the addition of Dee Gordon and a healthy Jose Fernandez, the Marlins have never been scarier to play . . . or look at. Stanton’s new facemask on his batting helmet is the most intimidating thing since Bane from Batman. The worst thing about the Miami Marlins is I don’t know how they are going to afford toilet paper in their bathrooms, with all of that money going to Stanton.
Ralphie: The best thing about the Milwaukee Brewers is their slide in left field. The worst thing about the Brewers is their "inside" stadium.
Joe: The best thing about the Minnesota Twins is they have a new stadium in Target Field going for them now after moving out of the "Hump." The new field is a baseball-only, open-air stadium with artificial turf to sustain the harsh winters. The worst thing about the Twins is the name Twins. I get that it is for the twin cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul, but it just doesn't jive with the rest of the league’s team names.
Chris: The best thing about the New York Mets is their supernaturally-palatable fruit salad, comprised of a giant apple that ascends after home runs, a legendary Strawberry that hits home runs and, when the team is struggling, a stadium full of raspberries. The worst thing about the Mets is Bartolo Colon, who looks like he has spent years dining on four fruit salads for breakfast, seven for lunch, followed by a sensible 15 for dinner.
Brad: The best thing about the New York Yankees is they took Beyoncé’s song “Put a Ring On It” a little too seriously: 27 times to be exact. The worst thing about the Yankees is pinstripes are tacky, and their Captain, Derek Jeter, retiring.
Ralphie: The best thing about the Oakland Athletics is their draft picks. The worst thing about the A’s is their mascot.
Joe: The best thing about the Philadelphia Phillies is overcoming a history of losing to win five consecutive division titles from 2007 through 2011. This is particularly noteworthy to me because they beat out my favorite - the Braves. The worst thing about the Phillies is the longevity of the franchise and its history of adversity, which have earned it the dubious distinction of having lost the most games of any team in the history of American professional sports.
Chris: The best thing about the Pittsburgh Pirates is their red-brimmed hat, which I wore as a freshman in college, hoping it would project the impression that I was a hipster. The worst thing about the Pirates is that no one on campus seemed awestruck by their hat.
Brad: The best thing about the St. Louis Cardinals is that Adam Wainwright looks poised to make a run for the National League’s Cy Young award. The worst thing about the Cardinals is they have the play the revamped Chicago Cubs and Jon Lester on Opening Day.
Ralphie: The best thing about the San Diego Padres is their trading ability. The worst thing about the Padres is how their stadium looks.
Joe: The best thing about the San Francisco Giants is their rich history from the NY Giants to the SF Giants. They have won 20 pennants and eight World Series championships. The worst thing about the Giants is the fact that one of the greatest players of all time was disgraced and basically stripped of all his accomplishments - Barry Bonds.
Chris: The best thing about the Seattle Mariners is being able to count many inhabitants of Forks, Wash., among their “celebrity fans,” many of whom claim to be “werewolves.” The worst thing about the Mariners is that many of those fans claim to transform into wolves when they are angry, and, unfortunately, the Mariners have not made the playoffs since 2001.
Brad: The best thing about the Tampa Bay Rays is that they can’t do much worse than they did last season, coming off of a season where they had the sixth worst record in the American League. The worst thing about the Rays is, unlike the last few opening days, David Price is no longer on their pitching staff, and that is a big gap to fill.
Ralphie: The best thing about the Texas Rangers is their rally towels. The worst thing about the Rangers is their location.
Joe: The best thing about the Toronto Blue Jays is that they are a club you never hear much about, but year in and year out, they are near the top of the division. They also have a unique situation of having a built-in fan base in spring training, with the Dunedin area being full of Canadian snow birds who also are Blue Jay fans. The worst thing about the Blue Jays is the Blue Jay! Just not impressed with a Blue Jay mascot, but then the Cardinals name is not too scary either.
Chris: The best thing about the Washington Nationals is their Presidents Race, which gives fans the opportunity to see how 10-foot-tall versions of America’s greatest leaders would react if they were being chased by angry spouses. The worst thing about the Nationals is that their Presidents Race’s competitors have all passed away, which could give fans the impression they are watching racing zombies.
Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.