Sports Briefs: A Reverse 2015 NFL Draft

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: Don’t draft me! John Elway and Eli Manning got away with telling a team they would rather amputate their right arm than to play for that organization. And though it’s a small sample size, this technique has, apparently, proven to be infallible. Therefore, every potential NFL draftee should get to pick where they play. They got to choose where they played in college, and an NFL combine for coaches and owners seems like the greatest NFL idea since face masks. Has anyone ever wondered if Robert Kraft or Malcolm Glazer has a faster time in the 40?

Brad: When a player chooses where they are going to play, I think they should consider several things, including if family lives close by, the weather, and the average home-game attendance.

Joe: Players should go where there would be plenty of media to satisfy their need for attention, millions of women and no Publix grocery stores to get them in trouble.

Ralphie: Jesse James should draft the Kansas City Chiefs. The big body would be an asset in the run game and a big target on those third and short situations. Jesse James is well known for how he can hold up the opponent at the line of scrimmage. He is the most wanted man in the wild west, and the Chiefs need a big target to shoot at . . .

Brad: Brett Hundley should draft the Philadelphia Eagles, because all Chip Kelly wants are Pac-12 players.

Chris: T.J. Yeldon should draft the New England Patriots. Not only would his new coach share a distinction with his college coach, that being that Nick Saban and Bill Belichick were both honored by “Sports Illustrated” with a listing on the “Most Disliked People in Sports,” but once Yeldon signs his first max contract, he would soon find himself as the spokesperson for the Massachusetts-based company T.J. Maxx.

Joe: Todd Gurley should draft the Atlanta Falcons, because he has an established fan base, would not have to move very far, and his wardrobe could remain red and black. They need a big running back, and they could supply an army of Gurley's Girls.

Ralphie: Bryce Petty should draft the Jacksonville Jaguars, as they could use a gunslinger for a QB. The Petty's are a household name in the Daytona area. This would give fans some hope of winning.

Brad: Melvin Gordon should draft the Seattle Seahawks, because they don’t have a first-round pick, and Todd Gurley seems to be the only running back going in the first round. I think the Seahawks need to get a young running back to take over the position when Marshawn Lynch calls it a career.

Chris: Trae Waynes should draft the New York Jets. Trae could learn coverage techniques from Darrelle Revis and procreation techniques from Antonio Cromartie. And the media wouldn’t be a problem, since Gotham City has been known to be supportive of Waynes.

Joe: Brandon Scherff should draft the Carolina Panthers, because Cam Newton is in desperate need of OL protection and he is one of the few players in the first round bigger than Cam. He can be dubbed “The new Scherff in town.”

Ralphie: Vic Beasley should draft the Atlanta Falcons, as he would not have far to go from home and he would have a good fan base, not to mention he would be an instant starter and contributor on an NFC South contender. Atlanta is the best fit for him as them need him badly.

Brad: Kevin White should draft the St. Louis Rams, because they’ve already drafted two high-profile West Virginia wide receivers and they didn’t seem to pan out. But hey, they say third time’s a charm, right?

Chris: Shane Ray should draft the Minnesota Vikings, allowing him to play professional football where his father, Wendell Ray, played professional football. This would seem to be a wise career decision, since Ray played college football where his father played college football, and since Shane likely has a space reserved at the same retirement community as his father.

Joe: Leonard Williams should draft the Detroit Lions. Leonard is the best DT in the draft and would help any team. He would be the perfect fit to replace Ndamukong Suh. The worst team for Leonard would be the Raiders, because it would remind folks of the old "Leonard's Losers" Saturday football prediction show.

Ralphie: Amari Cooper should draft a team that has the best QB to throw to him. New England or Denver would be the best fits for him; however, Manning and Brady are nearing retirement, so Green Bay would be a solid fit for years to come.

Brad: Dante Fowler should draft the Jacksonville Jaguars, because they need an elite pass rusher or . . . just and elite player in general.

Chris: Marcus Mariota should draft the Philadelphia Eagles, though hopefully Chip Kelly could restrain himself from wearing a grass skirt and hula dancing. This selection would enable Coach Kelly to expand his collection of quarterbacks to six and Philadelphia-area restaurants to expand their menu for cheesesteak toppings. For instance, patrons, who were not already nauseous upon seeing their inappropriately-dressed coach dancing, could order “The Hawaiian,” with meat, cheese and pineapples on Hawaiian bread.

Joe: Jameis Winston should draft the Baltimore Ravens as the team to play for, because Maryland has the best crab legs and cakes. Jameis could be the poster boy for the Maryland Crab Leg Association.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.

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