Sports Briefs: How Mayweather vs. Pacquiao Will End

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: Fight! Fight! Fight! Those are words that bring a rush of adrenaline to any school-age boy and a rush of cash to any boxing promoter. I would imagine there are not many school employees who enjoy boxing, considering that said sport openly defies public schools. Anyone under the age of 18 who wants to fight has to schedule their activity “after school” in places like “out next to the dumpster,” or else their sparring session is met with teachers quickly breaking up the fight and dragging the young participants to the principal’s office. This may help explain why neither Floyd Mayweather or Manny Pacquiao have worn a cap and gown, unless it was for Halloween.

Joe: I strongly feel that Mayweather will win the match because he is a defensive mastermind. He will minimize hits taken and give enough hits to outscore Pacquiao.

Ralphie: Manny Pacquiao will win because he's one of the best boxers in the world.

Brad: I think Floyd "Money" Mayweather will win the fight, because he is the No. 1 ranked fighter in the Welterweight division. He is 47-0, and he has great speed in the ring to help him avoid getting hit. He also throws less punches on average, which makes for a tiring fight for his eager opponent, and, unfortunately, I think Manny Pacquiao will fall to his undefeated opponent.

Joe: The appropriate song for Mayweather to come out to is "We are the Champions of the World."

Chris: Pacquiao’s entrance song is actually one that he wrote and recorded and is probably a hit on easy-listening radio stations in the Philippines. While this may be used as a tactic to put Mayweather to sleep, I’m disappointed Pacquaio has yet to embrace his American nickname and enter the ring chasing after four ghosts, as Pac-Man sound effects fill the arena.

Brad: Hopefully Manny Pacquiao's boxing shorts are bright pink, that way the public can get their money's worth when Mayweather knocks him out in the first round, because nobody wants to pay all that money for five minutes of entertainment without somebody in pink shorts.

Ralphie: Mayweather's boxing trunks should look like boxers with hearts.

Joe: I expect the fight to be well attended by a lot of celebrities; however, with the NFL Draft going on and the first round of the NBA playoffs, the attendance will be altered by the celebrities following those activities.

Chris: Soccer players are often escorted onto the field holding hands with children, and Mayweather has chosen a similar approach, allowing Justin Bieber to carry his championship belt into the ring. And while Robert De Niro, Clint Eastwood, Will Smith will all be attending the fight, not every celebrity was able to acquire tickets, happily settling for just being in Las Vegas instead. In fact, I’ve confirmed from an unnamed source that Danny Ocean will be watching the fight from a nearby hotel.

Brad: Vin Diesel should be the celebrity referee, so that if things get out of hand, all he has to do is give them "The Look" to end the scuffle.

Joe: Pacquiao may not be able to beat Mayweather in boxing, but he would dominate him in Ping Pong.

Ralphie: Mayweather would win a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robot match because he looks like he would be good with robots.

Brad: Manny Pacquiao would definitely beat Mayweather in a thumb war, only because he can't lose at everything, can he?

Chris: While analyzing everything about this fight, including ticket prices, both boxers’ tendencies, how they fared against common opponents, how the cost of a ticket would equal a year’s worth of mortgage payments, etc., I am confident in predicting that whoever loses will be the winner in the subsequent rematch next year. This is assuming that the fight will go on as scheduled on Saturday and that no teacher catches wind of it.

Ralphie: When kids get into fights at school, a grown up should get involved, and then they should have to stay after school and do extra work or clean the school.

Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
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1 comment:

  1. "Mayweather would win a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robot match because he looks like he would be good with robots." -- this is amazing, and it would be his official Twitter bio if he had any sense at all. Also I would much rather pay that extravagant amount of money to watch a robot match, a thumb war, or even a pillow fight than the snoozefest that this fight turned out to be. If only it was as interesting as reading this article.

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