Sports Briefs: An Rx for Golf

(Sponsored by 3 Spoons Yogurt)

Chris: Though I may not be a practicing physician, having been to my fair share of doctor appointments, I feel unequivocally qualified to diagnose the game of golf with a headache. Golfers and golf tournament organizers alike do not like noise. I gathered this seeing the amount of signs held up at tournaments, reading "Quiet Please," Hush, Y'all" and "If You Open Your Mouth, I Hope a Bird Poops In It.'

Joe: I enjoy golf on TV, especially on a Sunday afternoon when I can relax and take a nap. The game is historically a gentleman's game with a quiet reverence. I would enjoy a little more emotion and crowd participation.

Ralphie: Yes, I do like watching golf on TV. It would be better if they'd let kids play.

Joe: I have had the privilege of attending one PGA tournament and seeing such greats as Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, Gary Player and many others. They were awesome and related very well to the crowd. A meet and greet session with some of the players would be great for fans. Following them around on a practice round would be awesome.

Ralphie: I would love to attend a golf tournament. It would be better if it were closer to us.

Chris: Unless the PGA is wanting to create an environment that can be described as an outdoor library, allowing fans to rapidly smash their palms together, utilize their voice boxes as they please and bring water balloons with them would create a much more jovial atmosphere. Would DeAndre Jordan never miss a free throw if the gym was quiet? Would Justin Tucker never miss a field goal if the stadium was full of mimes? Would heckling or cheering golfers as they were swinging cause their score to double? Not if my Putt-Putt scores are any indication.

Joe: Playing golf is more fun than watching, but not always possible to get to the course.

Ralphie: I like to play golf. I really don't think there's anything anybody could do to make it more fun.

Joe: I personally enjoy golfing; however, some physical limitations have made it difficult to play of late. It is a very difficult game in which to excel. The best way to play is to play the best you can but enjoy game without getting frustrated over bad shots, which everyone has. Just enjoy the beautiful outdoors, fresh air, physical activity and fellowship with friends.

Ralphie: I like watching golf in person best because I can see it better.

Chris: While it may dispel the notion that golf was invented by Tibetan monks, the PGA could boost ratings and increase attendance, to the point of having fistfights in waiting lines, by introducing three items to every tournament locale: 1) a mascot (the ongoing Canadian Open's could be a moose; Pebble Beach could be represented by a crab; and The Masters could have a crocodile wearing a green jacket), 2) a marching band that plays specific fight songs for each golfer, such as "Eye of the Tiger" for Tiger Woods and "Cigarettes and Alcohol" for John Daly and, finally, 3) Dick Vitale as a color commentator.

Joe: If I were the PGA commissioner, I would create more crowd/player interaction with meet and greet, autograph signings and pro/am golf outings for charities that allow average golfers to participate and not just the wealthy. I would create more crowd interaction with the players.

Ralphie: If I were PGA Commissioner, I would only make one small change, and that would be that players could wear anything they want.

Chris: If I were to come across a gentleman in a Polo shirt and slacks, I would not know whether that person is about to work at an office, attend church, tee off at a Grand Slam or audition for the role of a father in a new sitcom. In fact, I may have seen Jordan Spieth five different times at Walmart today. But seeing a man in knickers, argyle socks and a golf hat indicates that they are either a serious golfer, someone recently arrived in a time machine from the 1800s or both. And if anything could cause me to watch golf, it would most likely involve graduates from the Payne Stewart School of Fashion taking swings next to an anthropomorphic golf ball.


Try on a new pair of Sports Briefs with the Gab Four every Friday. Find out more about Joe, Chris, Brad and Ralphie, and read their solo columns on their individual pages.
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